Pregnancy thoughts...16 weeks

Ok, so some thoughts at this point of my pregnancy. Or maybe they are more ramblings. Either way, here they are!

First off, I have been feeling leaps and bounds better and I honestly can't even explain the joy I feel over this. I had no idea how difficult it would be to be sick ALL the time, to throw up every day, to try and take care of these little girls when all I wanted to do was lay in my misery and not move. Pregnancy sickness is REAL and it is HARD and it definitely makes you unbelievably grateful for the return of strength and energy and a strong, hearty stomach that can hold down food...and enjoy it again! Oh and believe me, I am thoroughly enjoying it again!!

I've had lots of people tell me, "wow, you are so lucky to be pregnant again!" And believe me, I feel like the luckiest person alive to have been given this gift of pregnancy not once, but twice now. But the reality is, as I have thought a lot about our journey in having a family, is that it's not luck at all. It's blessings. Now, don't misunderstand me. When I say it's blessings, I don't mean that to imply that we are MORE blessed than someone else or that we have done something different or better to deserve our blessings. It in NO WAY means that we feel like we are more blessed than those who have not been able to experience pregnancy or children or those who have lost children through miscarriage or other circumstances. My intention would NEVER, EVER be to imply something like that and I worry to no end that this will come across that way. I have the utmost sympathy and understanding of what it feels like to be on the other side of the fence. I guess when I say blessings, I mean that our pregnancies, our adoption, our children are the blessings that the Lord has seen fit to cater to our family. And I truly believe that just like our trials are catered to our needs, so are our blessings. They come in all different packages. They come at all different times. They come expected and unexpected. They come because the Lord knows us best and knows what is best for us, when it is best for us. Sometimes the blessings we want don't come at all. That is a hard realization to come to sometimes. And it's not always easy to understand and accept. But the beautiful thing is that they are OUR blessings and they don't look like anyone else's blessings. Blessings are not supposed to be the same for everyone. They are not supposed to come in the same way, at the same time as everyone else. That's how we know that they are OUR blessings. If all blessings came the same way for everyone, well, then they wouldn't be unique to our lives. This is how we know the Lord is aware of us as individuals. He blesses us with our own blessings, in our own way, in our own time because He knows ME and YOU best. Most of the time when we really stop and think about all that He has blessed us with, a feeling of humility is almost inevitable. That's how this pregnancy has made me feel. Humble, undeserving, but aware that the Lord is sending blessings that are unique to me, catered to my life and my needs and what He knows is best for me right now. I feel grateful for the experiences in my life that have given me more understanding of this. I have a lot to learn. But I truly have come to know that God knows me and is aware of the feelings of my heart and the desires I have had for so long to be a mother to His children. Once I gave up the anxiety of how those babies would come, He provided miracles and blessings that never stop amazing me. I will work so hard for my children to be deserving of these blessings that He has sent to me. If I never am blessed with anything else, I have been blessed beyond what I deserve. Although, knowing my Father the way I have come to know Him, the blessings will continue to come. He is so good to me.

I am amazed at how different I feel at this point about this pregnancy. With Taylor, I was really, really scared all the time. I was afraid to let myself love pregnancy for the first several months because I was so scared the rug would be pulled out from underneath me. Now I can't say that I have LOVED the first 3 months of this pregnancy, being so sick, but I can say that much of the fear is gone. I am more in tune with my body and not so scared to EXPERIENCE pregnancy, for better or for worse. I know a little more about how everything works, so that if a cramp happens here or there or if I have a new ache or pain, I don't worry so much that something bad is happening to the baby. That has allowed me a different kind of freedom this time around to really experience the whole thing. It has been really nice.

I also don't have the same anxieties I had for my other children. I was so worried that Kaiya was going to be devastated by Taylor's arrival into our family. She was our only child at that point, the receiver of every ounce of our attention. And I was worried to the point of almost feeling guilty that we were going to rock her world so much. And then Taylor came, and Kaiya loved her instantly and there was never much of any jealousy or anything. It was so much easier than I could have imagined. And now, Kaiya and Taylor have each other. They already have this insane bond with each other and occupy each other and play together. And when this new baby comes, they will still have each other so that a new baby in their lives will not feel like such a big deal. It has given me a real sense of relief to know that they will be ok. They'll always have each other and now they'll have someone new to add to their team. And I know, from experience now as well, that I will be ok too. I will have the capacity to love a new life just as much as I love the other two lives we've been blessed with. That a new addition to a family is not someone who takes love away from anyone else, but that love quite magically multiplies so that there is MORE to go around for everyone. Isn't that just the most amazing thing about being a parent, about being a member of a family?!

Finally, I can say (in a very non-proud way) that I feel a greater sense of confidence in myself this time around. Without a doubt, I still have a lifetime of things to learn and change so that I can be a better mother. No doubt about that and I won't argue that for a second. But I feel more comfortable in my role. It feels more natural. I have a better sense of what to expect and what to do. I don't sweat the small stuff nearly as much. And my perspective continues to change all the time. I'm finally to the point where I feel ok that my life is no longer my own. That it belongs to my children right now. Even my very body is theirs. After not having children for so long, I feel like that was an adjustment that took me longer to come to -- that complete surrender of self for them. I can say that I am honored to let them have me, to give them my energy, my time, my emotions, my body as a temporary home, everything. I still value the things that I love to do for myself, my hobbies, my interests, my alone time with my husband. That does not go away, nor do I think it should. I think I'm a better mom when I do make time for myself. And I'm so grateful for a good and supportive husband who has always given me freedom and ability to have time for me and for friends and for a change of routine for a little bit here and there. But I'm also good with the expectation that myself is for them now. It kinda makes me feel like a MOM...officially! Guess I have been for about 3 years, but with each new addition to our family, I think I learn more and more about sacrifice and the blessing it is to be able to give myself for my family.

Two 1/2 weeks until gender is known!! DYING of anticipation!!

Thanks for letting me ramble.