Overwhelmed...
This is the only word I could come up with after reading your comments. Seriously, people, do you know how much sunshine you put into my heart? People I know and love, people I have come to know and look up to through the adoption world, and people I don't even know at all. You have each individually put a HUGE grin on my face with your words of encouragement and warm wishes. I have visited your sites as well, and read your stories and have been sooo uplifted! I am amazed at how many of us share similar experiences with infertility and adoption and surprises! I wish I could write you each a letter or something to thank you. Seriously. It was a bit scary for me to put this all out there, but immediately I felt so glad that I did because of all of you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Man, the world is still full of such good people!
Now that I have let my cat out of the bag, I wanted to share some thoughts on what pregnancy has meant to me. It's a STRANGE thing, let me tell you. For the past few years, I have been CONSUMED with adoption. And rightly so, because it is the most beautiful, special thing in the world, and it has changed my life and the lives of my family. My mindset was in such a different place. When you make the decision to adopt (for us, the second time around), you start to gear up. You gear up emotionally for what is ahead. You gear up for the ups and the downs. You gear up for the waiting. You gear up for the unknown and the uncertainty. You get your mind and your heart in a place that has to feel prepared for ANYTHING and everything. Anything EXCEPT pregnancy, I should say! That's where I was just a few short months ago. When I found out I was pregnant, I knew my mindset was in for a HUGE shift. But it is hard to switch from one expectation to another very different one. In a way, I almost mourned knowing we wouldn't be adopting this time around. Does that sound so weird? It's hard to explain. But my mind and heart were THERE and they had to move to HERE. And I felt a little sad about not being able to have the kind of emotional and spiritual experience we had with Kaiya's adoption. It was a strange thing to finally have what we thought we would never have and to then experience the feelings associated with it. I don't know if this is making any sense at all, but it really has been an interesting shift that has taken place. Ultimately, what has eased the sadness of those thoughts, is that adoption will ALWAYS be a huge part of our lives, so it's not like we aren't in that world anymore or that we are giving it up. We are just making room in our world for very new experiences. And honestly, who even knows what the future holds for us! More adoptions, more pregnancies, it's anyone's guess! And we look forward to WHATEVER the Lord has in store for us!
Pregnancy has definitely come with its' own very new set of experiences for my mind and heart. There are fears and worries that I never had to think about with adoption. What will labor and delivery be like? How will my body change? And nursing?! Oh my! Things pertaining to my physical self that I didn't necessarily experience when going through adoption. But there are a lot of things that feel more certain as well. I pretty much know when this child will come into our lives and how. I can almost bet on some red hair! And at this point, we have eliminated an uncertain waiting period. The emotions are a bit different though. The connection you feel to a life INSIDE of you, a life that YOU created with God together. The responsibility I feel for caring for my body in order to care for theirs. The wonder of this foreign experience that I dreamed of for years and years and am now finally living.
I talked to my dear friend Jamie at length about so much of this and expressed to her some concerns that were in my heart. She is a wise one, that girl, and she really opened my eyes to some things that I hadn't thought enough about. Upon finding out we were pregnant, I could not help but immediately turn my thoughts to Kaiya. Wondering and worrying about how this would make HER feel in the future to have a sibling who was created biologically by her parents, and for her to be adopted. I worried so much about her feeling loved completely and totally as a member of our family, regardless of how she came to be with us. These are things that I had not anticipated feeling because I was in such a different mindset and wasn't expecting a pregnancy. But I also came to the realization that this new baby will need to feel just as important because they WEREN'T adopted. Kaiya's adoption can't overshadow their importance in our family either. It goes both ways.
BUT, in saying all of this, I have learned so much in these few short months as well. I have learned that there is more that is the SAME about our experiences with our two children than is different. Sure, there are obvious differences, but I am amazed at how I feel about both of these children. As someone who has now experienced both sides of the fence, I can say unequivically that I love each of these human beings with complete equality and totality. There is not one part of me that loves one or the other more or less. I don't know this life inside of me personally yet like I know Kaiya. But I love him or her as much as I loved Kaiya while she grew peacefully in Jessika. I know I will love them both for very unique and individual reasons, as it pertains to their personalities and spirits. But I love them both the same. It doesn't matter that Kaiya was adopted and that this new life was of my own creation. Kaiya is not just special because she was adopted, but because she is OUR daughter. Our new baby won't be special just because we waited over 5 years to be pregnant with him or her, but because they are OUR child. It is an amazing thing to know this kind of love as a parent, and to see how limitless and unprejudiced it is. It is purely and simply the love of a parent for their children. Will Kaiya's story be special and important and unique and something we talk frequently about in our home? Yes, of course. And I hope and pray with all my heart that she will understand what a miracles she is. Will this new baby's story be just as important and special and unique and something we talk frequently about with him or her? Yes, of course. And again, I hope they will understand what a miracle they are as well. Isn't that a beautiful thing? Each life that we welcome into our families has a story behind them. A story we get to share with our children. Full of details and feelings and emotions that make them that incredible and essential piece to our family puzzle, that piece we could not live without. But at the end of the day, we can say to each one of them, "I love you", and we can mean it the same as when we say it to their siblings. I am grateful that this realization I have come to in the last few months has really tempered the worries and concerns I initially had in shifting my mind and heart to this new experience.
And finally, a few words about our sweet Jessika. She was one of the first people I thought about when we found out we were pregnant. I was a little scared to tell her and her family, not knowing how it would effect them emotionally. I'm not sure why because I know how incredible these people are. And when we did tell them, I felt the most pure joy and love from them and the most genuine excitement. They were thrilled. And have been wonderful ever since, calling and texting to see how I am feeling, how the baby is doing, etc. Our lives are not just connected to them because of Kaiya, but they have genuine love for our FAMILY, even as it grows. To know people who are THIS good and this unselfish is one of the greatest blessings that has come as a result of our adoption experience. Our love for Jessika, our respect for everything she went through, has only multiplied as we now experience pregnancy ourselves. She is an amazing girl and will always hold such an incredibly special place in our hearts.
I don't know if one ounce of this made any sense at all. But I want to document this experience as much as I can and these are many of the thoughts, feelings and emotions I have experienced in just a few short months. I'm sure there will be much more to come in the future. Right now, though, I can safely say I love each of my babies. So much. And they are each miracles to me.
Now that I have let my cat out of the bag, I wanted to share some thoughts on what pregnancy has meant to me. It's a STRANGE thing, let me tell you. For the past few years, I have been CONSUMED with adoption. And rightly so, because it is the most beautiful, special thing in the world, and it has changed my life and the lives of my family. My mindset was in such a different place. When you make the decision to adopt (for us, the second time around), you start to gear up. You gear up emotionally for what is ahead. You gear up for the ups and the downs. You gear up for the waiting. You gear up for the unknown and the uncertainty. You get your mind and your heart in a place that has to feel prepared for ANYTHING and everything. Anything EXCEPT pregnancy, I should say! That's where I was just a few short months ago. When I found out I was pregnant, I knew my mindset was in for a HUGE shift. But it is hard to switch from one expectation to another very different one. In a way, I almost mourned knowing we wouldn't be adopting this time around. Does that sound so weird? It's hard to explain. But my mind and heart were THERE and they had to move to HERE. And I felt a little sad about not being able to have the kind of emotional and spiritual experience we had with Kaiya's adoption. It was a strange thing to finally have what we thought we would never have and to then experience the feelings associated with it. I don't know if this is making any sense at all, but it really has been an interesting shift that has taken place. Ultimately, what has eased the sadness of those thoughts, is that adoption will ALWAYS be a huge part of our lives, so it's not like we aren't in that world anymore or that we are giving it up. We are just making room in our world for very new experiences. And honestly, who even knows what the future holds for us! More adoptions, more pregnancies, it's anyone's guess! And we look forward to WHATEVER the Lord has in store for us!
Pregnancy has definitely come with its' own very new set of experiences for my mind and heart. There are fears and worries that I never had to think about with adoption. What will labor and delivery be like? How will my body change? And nursing?! Oh my! Things pertaining to my physical self that I didn't necessarily experience when going through adoption. But there are a lot of things that feel more certain as well. I pretty much know when this child will come into our lives and how. I can almost bet on some red hair! And at this point, we have eliminated an uncertain waiting period. The emotions are a bit different though. The connection you feel to a life INSIDE of you, a life that YOU created with God together. The responsibility I feel for caring for my body in order to care for theirs. The wonder of this foreign experience that I dreamed of for years and years and am now finally living.
I talked to my dear friend Jamie at length about so much of this and expressed to her some concerns that were in my heart. She is a wise one, that girl, and she really opened my eyes to some things that I hadn't thought enough about. Upon finding out we were pregnant, I could not help but immediately turn my thoughts to Kaiya. Wondering and worrying about how this would make HER feel in the future to have a sibling who was created biologically by her parents, and for her to be adopted. I worried so much about her feeling loved completely and totally as a member of our family, regardless of how she came to be with us. These are things that I had not anticipated feeling because I was in such a different mindset and wasn't expecting a pregnancy. But I also came to the realization that this new baby will need to feel just as important because they WEREN'T adopted. Kaiya's adoption can't overshadow their importance in our family either. It goes both ways.
BUT, in saying all of this, I have learned so much in these few short months as well. I have learned that there is more that is the SAME about our experiences with our two children than is different. Sure, there are obvious differences, but I am amazed at how I feel about both of these children. As someone who has now experienced both sides of the fence, I can say unequivically that I love each of these human beings with complete equality and totality. There is not one part of me that loves one or the other more or less. I don't know this life inside of me personally yet like I know Kaiya. But I love him or her as much as I loved Kaiya while she grew peacefully in Jessika. I know I will love them both for very unique and individual reasons, as it pertains to their personalities and spirits. But I love them both the same. It doesn't matter that Kaiya was adopted and that this new life was of my own creation. Kaiya is not just special because she was adopted, but because she is OUR daughter. Our new baby won't be special just because we waited over 5 years to be pregnant with him or her, but because they are OUR child. It is an amazing thing to know this kind of love as a parent, and to see how limitless and unprejudiced it is. It is purely and simply the love of a parent for their children. Will Kaiya's story be special and important and unique and something we talk frequently about in our home? Yes, of course. And I hope and pray with all my heart that she will understand what a miracles she is. Will this new baby's story be just as important and special and unique and something we talk frequently about with him or her? Yes, of course. And again, I hope they will understand what a miracle they are as well. Isn't that a beautiful thing? Each life that we welcome into our families has a story behind them. A story we get to share with our children. Full of details and feelings and emotions that make them that incredible and essential piece to our family puzzle, that piece we could not live without. But at the end of the day, we can say to each one of them, "I love you", and we can mean it the same as when we say it to their siblings. I am grateful that this realization I have come to in the last few months has really tempered the worries and concerns I initially had in shifting my mind and heart to this new experience.
And finally, a few words about our sweet Jessika. She was one of the first people I thought about when we found out we were pregnant. I was a little scared to tell her and her family, not knowing how it would effect them emotionally. I'm not sure why because I know how incredible these people are. And when we did tell them, I felt the most pure joy and love from them and the most genuine excitement. They were thrilled. And have been wonderful ever since, calling and texting to see how I am feeling, how the baby is doing, etc. Our lives are not just connected to them because of Kaiya, but they have genuine love for our FAMILY, even as it grows. To know people who are THIS good and this unselfish is one of the greatest blessings that has come as a result of our adoption experience. Our love for Jessika, our respect for everything she went through, has only multiplied as we now experience pregnancy ourselves. She is an amazing girl and will always hold such an incredibly special place in our hearts.
I don't know if one ounce of this made any sense at all. But I want to document this experience as much as I can and these are many of the thoughts, feelings and emotions I have experienced in just a few short months. I'm sure there will be much more to come in the future. Right now, though, I can safely say I love each of my babies. So much. And they are each miracles to me.
posted by Chris Grover at 3:47 PM
12 Comments:
I don't know you, but I came across your blog and read your story. I LOVE that you are expressing your feelings. Its so clear by what you write that there will never be unequal love in your house. Congrats! I hope all your dreams, adoption and pregnancy wise, come true!
Hi again.. It is soo neat to hear these words and know what is in your heart. You are such a wonderful mother and I am so happy for you. It is funny, even though I don't know you, I often think about you and your miracles. In fact, tonight I was reading a wonderful, inspiring book. Have you read Joel Olsteen? He writes all about how when you have faith and you truly believe in your heart of hearts and think positively, good things will happen. In Gods time of course. I really thought about you the entire time I was reading. I really wish you so much happiness!! Enjoy every minute! Kris from Maryland
Karli, that was such a heart felt post. I often wonder what it will mean for Ava and I when I hopefully marry and hopefully have another child. I wonder what differences in love I feel for each of my children. I often feel scared that I will always just have such a special bond with Ava because of what we have been through together and if I could ever love a child as much as I do her. I guess I will just love them differently and for their own special spirits, but not one more than the other. I am so excited for all of you! You and Chris are great people and parents! Keep the updates comin
I can't say that I know exactly what you are feeling but it ALL makes total sense. I have raised one child on my own for almost 8 yrs. I have also gave life to a child and placed her for adoption. I see her every week and yet I don't feel the need to parent her. I love her dearly. She holds and very powerful place in my heart. It is so hard to explain just like you were saying. What a tender mercy and the connection and love that you have with Jessika which just continues to grow deeper; which becomes more grounded through experiences such as these. I have dreamed about the day Elisa calls me to tell me she is pregnant. I pray when I am awake that it REALLY happens, I can promise you from a birth mom to a mom who has adopted and is now pregnant, I wouldn't feel like anything was being taken away from Calli; I wouldn't feel like she was being put on the back burner at all. A miracle they each are in their own way. Even if you adopted 3 kids or were pregnant with three kids they would each have their own special journey of coming to this earth. The bond is different only because they are different people. It's ok because each relationship is individually beautiful. What a roller coaster. I echo Julie's words of the day that I am able to raise a child with a husband by my side as you have experienced. I am almost scared, apprehensive as I have done it for so long on my own. The dialectics of life are incredible. Because of your love and respect for adoption, Kaiya and this new spirit will have that same respect instilled into them. They will respect each other as family; off course they will have their differences but with parents that want nothing but the best, it will make ALL the difference in the world. SO EXCITED FOR YOU!!!! LOVE IT!
You made lots of sense! I love reading your thoughts. And thanks a ton for your cute little card in the mail. So fun to get something the old fashioned way :-) You are so thoughtful!!!
Karli I am soooooo excited for you. Somehow I missed your last post-the announcement post, so when I looked today,there it was!!! I am so excited for you. You are such a beautiful and loving person, both your posts moved me to tears. I think that it is wonderful that you will have two very unique wonderful experiences (and probably many more in the future) in building your family. What a wonderful story your life is and will be! Congrats again! I am glad that you are feeling better, although I totally understand wanting to feel sick because then you know you are pregnant...we are such worriers sometimes!!! Please continue to post updates on your pregnancy and on beautiful Kaiya. Oh, and I think May is the perfect time of year to have a baby-especially in Utah! Congrats again!! YIPPEE!
I can't even tell you how excited I am for you! I've read and re-read your previous post and each time I still get teary and giddy all at the same time! You are a great example to me of faith and keeping with the Lord's timing. I'm so excited for you, Chris & Kaiya to have this experience. This baby is one loved little person!
Besides... how fun is this going to be to be growing at the same time!! :)
Girl, I am an emotional mess. You have such a way of puting things into perspective! It truly is an incredible thing to have children, no matter how they come into your life. The love,fear,joy,sorrow, is such an amazing thing when it comes to children. It is magnified in every way. Your thoughts are touching and I'm sure you children will never question for a moment how much you love them!
Crystal Clear, Kar. Love you soooooo much.
like others, i don't know you but i felt compelled to comment because the beauty of your words is piercing. your pure love for your children is so evident and, though i've not experienced adoption, it makes perfect sense to me-- you are a mom and you love both of your children with the profound love that only a mother can. thanks for sharing.
Your thoughts and feelings are so plain and clear AND every mother can relate. You are such a unique and beautiful person Kar. That is what I love so much about you! As your big sis, I am proud of you and oh so excited!
I loved this post and reading your thoughts. Everything you said makes perfect sense. I'm so excited for you guys and can't wait for all of the updates.
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