Wanna hear a really good story?

So, I have a little story to tell. It's a personal one, but it does have quite a few twists and turns to it, so if you're interested, follow along!

Well, back on September 6th, we decided it was time to look a bit further into IVF (InVitro Fertilization). So, we went to the reproductive clinic at the U, met with a really fantastic doctor, who unfortunately did not tell us anything that we did not already know. Unexplained infertility, can't figure out why we are not able to get pregnant, 0-5% chance of ever conceiving on our own, great candidates for IVF, but hand us over $15-20,000 for a 60% chance of IVF even working for us. Needless to say, we walked out of that appointment feeling quite discouraged and not much further along than we had when we walked into the appointment.

So, what did we do? We picked up the phone, literally in the parking lot of the clinic and called our trusty adoption agency. We LOVED working with LDS Family Servicies for Kaiya's adoption and we knew we wanted to go with them again. So, we called our agency up here, and asked them to send us out our next packet. Honestly, after the disapointment we had just felt minutes before, all those emotions were completely replaced by the excitement we felt to jump into adoption all over again. It felt right and it felt good! I felt immediate peace.

About a week later, we got our packet in the mail. (Do you remember that post?) We were elated! Ripped right into it and quickly got started. We contacted our referrals and got them all lined up (thanks guys), filled out our paperwork, and sent it all in! The next step would be getting a phone call from our new case worker once they received our paperwork to set up an intake interview where we would put down our deposit and start the next round of paperwork and background checks, etc. We could not WAIT! We did get that phone call from our new case worker, but that's where the story gets a little interesting.

A few days after we got our paperwork sent off, I got sick. Real sick. And I could not shake it. By the time we got that phone call from our case worker a week and a half later, our lives had already been changed on September 25th. We had done this... and this.... oh yeah, and this....

and about 6 others after that!!

Didn't I promise you twists and turns in this story?!

And if you're wondering, YES, those are MY pregnancy tests! This girl, who merely weeks before was told that she had a 0-5% chance of ever getting pregnant on her own, had a big, fat "IN YOUR FACE" for those doctors! We showed them, didn't we?! Hehe!

I guess now that I've reached the climax of this story, I should fill in some details of that impossibly shocking day in our lives and the days that have followed since. So, back to the getting sick part. I felt horrible. 24 hours a day. And more tired than if I had swam accross the ocean. Of course, having never been pregnant before, I never once thought that's what it could be. I hadn't taken a pregnancy test in about 2 years. They just got too hard and too depressing. So, after a week of feeling so yucky, and not getting any better, the thought occured to me (it must have been inspiration because I would have never thought of it on my own) to just take a test to rule that out. I was desperate to figure out what was wrong with me. So, one day after Chris left for work, without even thinking to tell him that I was going to take a test (this is how SURE I was that I was NOT pregnant), I rolled out of bed, ready to lose my insides, and made my way over to the drawer where I kept my tests. There was only one in there, and it was EXPIRED. Drat! But I thought, what the heck, I'll use it anyway. I looked at it and there were two lines. There had NEVER been two lines, but this was an expired test and one of the lines was so faint, so I knew I had a defunct test. Still, something told me (again, because I never would have done this on my own) that I needed to go buy a few more tests. So, on my way to the store, I called my sister and told her what had happened. She proceeds to tell me that you pretty much NEVER get two lines unless you are prego and that she was sure I was prego. WHAT?! That's where the pit started to form in my stomach. Could it be? No, really? So, I bought a few more tests. I got home, drank as much water as I could, needing to build up some urine to take the test with and went to take the second test. Only this time, I didn't have enough stuff to take the test with and the display was only half filled. You have got to be kidding me, people! Can I just get an answer?! I could see the faint startings of the necessary plus sign, but it was only half-way there, so I couldn't trust it. Drink more water. Lots more. Take test #3 and there it was. Clear as day. I was WAY too shocked to cry or feel much of anything. I simply could not and would not believe it. I decided I had better let my husband in on all that had been going on that morning, so I packed up Ya-ya and hit the road to Logan to surprise him for lunch. I needed something quick and creative to tell him with, so I threw a little onesie on one of Kaiya's stuffed animals and attached the test to it. Chris was so happily surprised when we showed up to his office. Little did he know, that was not the surprise. We went out to the car and I said, we have another surprise for you in the back seat. He reaches around, grabs the stuffed animal, stares at it with nothing but total confusion on his face. He looks at me and says "What? (pause) No. (pause) Really? (long pause) Is it mine?" We both burst out laughing at that point and then shed a few tears together, but still both too shocked to really get super emotional. We spent lunch that day talking about the "what-if's". What if we really are? What if the tests are wrong? But what if we are?! We went to the store and bought some more tests -- the digital, no fail unless you can't read ones. We took several more over the course of the next few days and one by one, they all confirmed the news. So, I called the doctor to make an appointment, and that was about the weirdest thing I had ever done. I couldn't even tell them the date of my last period so I had no idea how far along I was! We guessed and made an appointment. Over the next several weeks, while waiting for the appointment, we waited nervously. It was the first thing that I thought of each day when I woke up, the last thing I thought of when I lay in bed at night, and about 6 million times in between during the day. I simply could not believe it. It was like waiting for someone to pull the rug out from underneath us. Sure, we were excited, but it was more like, "well, we'll see" kind of excited. It was so cautious and so inhibited at this point. We told our family members. Everyone about died. A few of them guessed it so quickly that I wondered how and why they would ever guess such a thing! We told my parents over the webcam and it was one of the happiest, most special experiences I have had with them since they have been on their mission. I think that was when most of the tears were shed. And then we waited for that appointment.

The day of the appointment came and I was a nervous wreck. I was SURE the doctor was going to look at me and say, "there's nothing there" or "you were never pregnant" or something (oh ye of little faith, right?) I just have to insert here that my lack of believing was not due to my lack of desire for this to actually be happening. Inside my deepest heart, I was THRILLED beyond belief. I was screaming inside with excitement. But I was too scared to let those emotions surface and to FEEL them too much. After the disappointment we have felt over the years, I could not face the pain of letting myself love and be excited over a baby that was not going to be mine. It was purely a defense tactic for my weak heart. (But the excitement was tucked away in there somewhere.) Anyway, the doctor starts the exam, after we told him all of our history with infertility. Maybe he was as nervous as we were for fear he would have to give us disappointing news. But he looked me in the eye after a few minutes and says, "Well, there is definitely something there and you definitely FEEL pregnant!" I wanted to hug him, but it's not appropriate in the middle of an exam like that! Haa! I felt relief start to wash over me. But I couldn't totally trust that until we saw the ultrasound. We went next door, sat in the dark room, and looked anxiously at the screen. And THERE IT WAS!! Our jellybean! Tiny, perfect, new, heart beating strong. And it was OURS. There was no more denying it, no more need for unbelief. We were looking at our baby, clear as day. It was emotional, to say the least, and so powerful. It was a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. I could believe. We were 9 weeks along and we were given May 20th as the big day. This was really happening!

The next few weeks were filled with more sickness, but who knew you could feel so HAPPY about being sick, because that meant everything was happening the way it was supposed to. Chris asked me every day how I was feeling. Mainly because he's a good, caring, concerned husband. But also because he NEEDED me to feel sick to know that it was still real. I needed that too. Last week, while in California, I turned a huge corner and started feeling so much better. I got tons of energy back and found my long-lost good friend of an appetite. Man, I love food and the last month has been TORTURE because NOTHING has sounded good. But I ate enough for 20 people last week, so thrilled was I to like food again! We had another appointment yesterday, and our good, good soul of a doctor said I HAD to get another ultrasound because we are a special case! No arguments here. He has made so many little extra efforts to make this so special for us, knowing our history and all. I love him! So, not only did I get to hear that strong, vibrant, fast heartbeat, I got to go see how incredibly much our little jellybean had changed. It is actually a BABY now, with arms and legs and features and a beautiful profile! He/she is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen since I saw their sister in Jessika's belly over a year ago! And what was even more special was our little peanut was sooo active. Rolling all around, stretching arms and legs, even rolling to face us so we could get a good look. It was showing off, for sure! So, as of right now at 12 weeks, things are looking great! Baby is healthy, mom is feeling better, and we are finally letting ourselves believe that this is happening. After almost 6 long years, this is actually happening! I can't even believe I am writing this post because I never thought I would. But I am, and I feel the most indescribable joy and wonder about the whole thing. What was once UNBELIEVABLE is now totally believable.

I imagine my loving Heavenly Father is looking down, wondering why I ever doubted that all things are possible with Him, knowing completely what was to happen in our lives. Just like it was when Kaiya joined our family, HE always knew, HE always was carefully crafting our story, HE always was there working out the details. We just had to be patient, learn real faith, and let HIM take over. This is just the way HE always knew it would work out and I know and trust that HIS way is always the best and right way. I think about what might have been if we had gotten pregnant all those years ago. The thought that Kaiya might not be here with us is unbearable and unthinkable. I know SHE is the reason this baby is coming now. Kaiya always needed to be with us and may not have been if things had worked out differently. Now, she will be the BEST big sister to this new child and our family will have such a story behind it all. A special, remarkable story filled with miracles and mercies and surprises at every turn.

This story continues as this little baby continues to grow, but for now, I think the story has turned out pretty good! Thanks for letting me finally share a story like this!