Thought-ful and full of thoughts!
I have always loved writing. It is a huge release for me. And I feel like I have become disconnected from my blog in terms of using it as an outlet to write. I used to really pour my heart into my posts and I loved the release AND the idea of my children being able to read my thoughts and feelings someday. Then life gets busy. And there are more kids. And someone needs to be changed. And dinner needs to be cooked. And I realize that all those thoughts and feelings are swimming around in my head just waiting to be released. Chris is a great release too, and a great listener and I am so grateful for that. He is my best friend and the one I tell EVERYTHING too. On a daily basis! But some of those thoughts and feelings, I want to put somewhere where they will last over time. Where, even when I have forgotten them or moved onto new life experiences, they will still have a place to be remembered. I am going to try and make a return to my blog for a home for some of those thoughts and feelings, so bear with me! I do this for myself. I do this mostly for my kids. I do this for the connection that I used to feel to so many people who had similar thoughts and feelings! And I do it so my thoughts can have a home away from my head!
Last night, Chris and I lay in bed and had one of many, many conversations that we have had over the last several years about the same subject. I am usually the one who brings it up because it is on my mind quite often. Having a child who is adopted is a HUGE blessing. It is also something that requires an added element of thought for me. Having an adopted child AND a biological child also adds to the mix. First and foremost, it does not FEEL any different to have adopted and born a child myself. For people who have not adopted or for people who have not had the experience of bearing a child, I can say with complete and total honesty, there is no difference. You feel EXACTLY the same love for both of them. While you appreciate the unique miracles that brought each of those children to your family, the love is the same for both. That is a blessing that for me has been one of the many miracles and the many opportunities of seeing God's hand as I have experienced motherhood. I often wondered how it would FEEL to have a child that did not grow inside of me. I have to reiterate, there is no difference. That is the endless and limitless power of love. The love of a mother. The love of a parent. It is a gift from a loving Father in Heaven that we, as parents, get to feel that love, no matter how our children come to us! I have been amazed at the immediateness that I felt that love as both of my children entered the world, under completely different circumstances. From their first breath's of air, I was overwhelmed with how much I loved them, how much I wanted to be near them and hold them, how much I wanted to protect them and care for them, how much I wanted to better so I would be worthy of being their mother. Those feelings have only magnified as I have watched them both grow.
In saying all of that, I still find myself reflecting and pondering often over the sensitivity of adoption. Last night, we were talking about doing genealogy and I wondered how that would work for Kaiya. She is 100% apart of our family. But she also comes from a wonderful birth mother who has a family history of her own. And a birth father that we know nothing about. Then we started talking about when and how we really start to discuss Kaiya's adoption with her. I guess it has already started, because we show her pictures of Jessika, she hears us pray every day for Jessika, and she prays for Jessika now as well, she has been with Jessika, and will always know who her birth mother is and how special she is. But I don't think at this point there is any comprehension that she is adopted or what that means. I feel insecure about how to address this with her at various stages of her life, according to her level of understanding. How do you tell a 2-year-old about adoption? How do you talk about it with a 5-year-old? And when she is entering her teenage years and life is so confusing anyway, what will be our dialogue at that point? This is not an issue of hiding it or being ashamed of it. It could not be farther from that. It is more about wanting it to be so open and comfortable with her that it adds pressure to me of HOW to go about talking about it. I know that the Spirit will guide those conversations and that I need to just learn to trust in that. But it is a subject that I think A LOT about and just want it to be ok for Kaiya. I want her to be ok with her beautiful, wonderful, perfect story of coming into our family. I want her to respect and love Jessika for what she has done for all of us. I worry and wonder if this will ever be a difficult thing for Kaiya. I pray every day that it will not be.
Then there is the fact that Kaiya has a biological sibling. Will we have more biological children or adopt again? If the rest of our children are biological, will that be difficult for Kaiya or make her feel different in any way? Will our biological children feel different in some way because Kaiya's story is so unique and special? While it may seem that I am OVERTHINKING all of this, the bottom line is that when you have unique circumstances in your family, you DO think about all of these things. As a parent, I think one of my greatest desires is that ALL of my children feel equally, but uniquely special and loved in our family. That they feel how much we APPRECIATE and are GRATEFUL that we have each of them in our lives. That we do not dwell on the circumstances that brought them to us, but that we reverence and acknowledge the specialness of each situation. It's a fine balance and I hope that I can express and teach and show the right balance to each of my children.
Chris has always been so reassuring. He doesn't seem to have the same worries and concerns about all of this. He is always confident and assured that all of our children will feel loved and happy in our family. He just seems to know that Kaiya will love being in our family and will not struggle with any of these things. He has great FAITH. I am grateful for that and grateful that always at the end of our conversations about these things, that I feel better and reassured by him. I am grateful that our children have them as their father. I know that he will be a huge key to each of them feeling loved and in place in our family.
Last night, Chris and I lay in bed and had one of many, many conversations that we have had over the last several years about the same subject. I am usually the one who brings it up because it is on my mind quite often. Having a child who is adopted is a HUGE blessing. It is also something that requires an added element of thought for me. Having an adopted child AND a biological child also adds to the mix. First and foremost, it does not FEEL any different to have adopted and born a child myself. For people who have not adopted or for people who have not had the experience of bearing a child, I can say with complete and total honesty, there is no difference. You feel EXACTLY the same love for both of them. While you appreciate the unique miracles that brought each of those children to your family, the love is the same for both. That is a blessing that for me has been one of the many miracles and the many opportunities of seeing God's hand as I have experienced motherhood. I often wondered how it would FEEL to have a child that did not grow inside of me. I have to reiterate, there is no difference. That is the endless and limitless power of love. The love of a mother. The love of a parent. It is a gift from a loving Father in Heaven that we, as parents, get to feel that love, no matter how our children come to us! I have been amazed at the immediateness that I felt that love as both of my children entered the world, under completely different circumstances. From their first breath's of air, I was overwhelmed with how much I loved them, how much I wanted to be near them and hold them, how much I wanted to protect them and care for them, how much I wanted to better so I would be worthy of being their mother. Those feelings have only magnified as I have watched them both grow.
In saying all of that, I still find myself reflecting and pondering often over the sensitivity of adoption. Last night, we were talking about doing genealogy and I wondered how that would work for Kaiya. She is 100% apart of our family. But she also comes from a wonderful birth mother who has a family history of her own. And a birth father that we know nothing about. Then we started talking about when and how we really start to discuss Kaiya's adoption with her. I guess it has already started, because we show her pictures of Jessika, she hears us pray every day for Jessika, and she prays for Jessika now as well, she has been with Jessika, and will always know who her birth mother is and how special she is. But I don't think at this point there is any comprehension that she is adopted or what that means. I feel insecure about how to address this with her at various stages of her life, according to her level of understanding. How do you tell a 2-year-old about adoption? How do you talk about it with a 5-year-old? And when she is entering her teenage years and life is so confusing anyway, what will be our dialogue at that point? This is not an issue of hiding it or being ashamed of it. It could not be farther from that. It is more about wanting it to be so open and comfortable with her that it adds pressure to me of HOW to go about talking about it. I know that the Spirit will guide those conversations and that I need to just learn to trust in that. But it is a subject that I think A LOT about and just want it to be ok for Kaiya. I want her to be ok with her beautiful, wonderful, perfect story of coming into our family. I want her to respect and love Jessika for what she has done for all of us. I worry and wonder if this will ever be a difficult thing for Kaiya. I pray every day that it will not be.
Then there is the fact that Kaiya has a biological sibling. Will we have more biological children or adopt again? If the rest of our children are biological, will that be difficult for Kaiya or make her feel different in any way? Will our biological children feel different in some way because Kaiya's story is so unique and special? While it may seem that I am OVERTHINKING all of this, the bottom line is that when you have unique circumstances in your family, you DO think about all of these things. As a parent, I think one of my greatest desires is that ALL of my children feel equally, but uniquely special and loved in our family. That they feel how much we APPRECIATE and are GRATEFUL that we have each of them in our lives. That we do not dwell on the circumstances that brought them to us, but that we reverence and acknowledge the specialness of each situation. It's a fine balance and I hope that I can express and teach and show the right balance to each of my children.
Chris has always been so reassuring. He doesn't seem to have the same worries and concerns about all of this. He is always confident and assured that all of our children will feel loved and happy in our family. He just seems to know that Kaiya will love being in our family and will not struggle with any of these things. He has great FAITH. I am grateful for that and grateful that always at the end of our conversations about these things, that I feel better and reassured by him. I am grateful that our children have them as their father. I know that he will be a huge key to each of them feeling loved and in place in our family.
Ok, I feel so much better getting that all out! I am always very interested and LOVE to hear from those of you who might also have these same kinds of thoughts swimming around in your heads or have experienced similar things in your families. Please comment or email me if you have any ideas or experiences or advice!
posted by Chris Grover at 9:10 AM
10 Comments:
I loved reading of your thoughts and I am sure my parents had many of the same.....When you have a chance...send me your email address, I'd like to share some of my thoughts on this subject....as an adopted daughter.
Karli,
You can share it as a bedtime story. Like the story you would tell about a princess, but it's about her. It will normalize the experience and it is a sacred story she should hear over and over. As she gets old enough to comprehend the implications, she will have questions and you just answer honestly.
You have such a gift for writing. I know of your concerns with Kaiya but if the past and present are any indication of how perceptive and sensitive you and Chris are as parents, Kaiya will also understand and feel so secure!!
You guys have such a special and unique story. I am so glad that I have been able to share your journey with you through your blog. I wish that I had stories to share with you, but I don't. I have quite a few friends and cousins that have been adopted and it has always been a positive thing for them and all of them have siblings that were not adopted.
On another note - I think it is funny how children that are adopted look so much like their adoptive parents. In every case that I know, you would not be able to tell and the same is with your daughter. Mitchell saw me reading your blog and he asked who the picture of Kaiya was and he said that she looks a lot like you.
I can totally understand where you are coming from. It is something that I also had lots of thoughts about. Lindsay (9yrs) asks questions about adoption and her birthmom all the time. I try to just answer them when they come up. Kaylee (5yrs) asks questions on occasion, but not often. She usually is just making statements like..."I have three dads" (Daddy, her birthfather, and her Heavenly Father)
They both know their stories, and they both know that Ashlie came from my tummy. We haven't had any issues yet, but they are still young. Being pregnant once again they ask specific questions about them being in their birthmoms tummys, some we don't have answers to. We try to be as honest as we can, but realize that they aren't ready to know every detail, because of their ages. Use their questions and the spirit as your guide.
BTW, enjoy Cache Valley. We loved it there.
Both our children were adopted, so that is all I know in terms of parenting... It is completely impossible to love a child more than we love ours, they are as much a part of me as my soul :)
Our son (age 4) knows he was adopted - but I don't think he understands what that means for him. My suggestion would be to share her story with her regularly (we love the book The Day We Met You, its a great conversation starter) and eventually it will just be another piece of who she is.
Blessings
You are definitely right on target when you say the spirit will lead you in your discussions. I have just recently experienced this same thing with Ava. For about the last year or more she has been asking questions about why I know her dad and how he is her dad if I am not married to him. I have been so stressed about how to answer her questions. Really stressed because I wanted to do it the right way for the level of understanding she has now. Two weeks ago the questions started coming again and instead of feeling stressed I was quiet for a minute after she asked, and then all of a sudden an explanation just started coming out of my mouth and even better an explanation that she can understand right now. I know there will be different explanations over the year, but for now she seemed happy with the answers I gave. I know I was guided in that moment by the spirit and I am so extremely grateful for its guidance
There are all kinds of stressful or hard circumstances we will all have to address with our children- I don't have adoption but Have to explain divorce to my children all the time- especially they older they get and have to try and figure out my parents and their spouses and how we are all related. I always make sure to tell them what they need to know at their own level and mental ability. Mostly I try to tell them not to worry and that all families are special and unique. I know my aunt has two adopted children and two biological children- one of her adopted children is even black. They all feel like a complete family though and know that is how they could all be together. My aunt lives right up the street from you if you ever want to talk to her about it- she is so open about it and even knows the parents of one of her adopted children.
Hi - my name is Sharon and my son will be going to the Cox's mission in 3 weeks. When I read what you wrote about adoption, it touched my heart and I felt I wanted to share with you my story.
I have beeen pregnant 8 times and only got 2 biological sons here. I felt strongly that my family was not complete, so we adopted a beautiful 1/2 hispanic baby. He has black hair and beautiful dark brown eyes, very different from his blondish brown headed brothers. I remember telling my husband at the time we adopted him, that I knew I could love this baby, however, I didn't know if in my heart, I would feel the same about him as my biological children. I can sincerely and adamantly claim that I DO NOT FEEL ANY DIFFERENT about my adopted son! I constantly reinforce to him that he is my son! I am his Mom. I love him with all my being, the same as his brothers. Because he looks different, we have always talked about adoption. I have told him that sometimes Heavenly Father uses other people to do his work, as in his birth mother and service to others. He was meant for my family. Once a couple of years ago, he got mad at me and said, "I'm running away to my birth mom's house!" I replied, "I hope she has a really big house." He said, "Why?" I said, "because we are a family and where you go, me and your brothers go so she has to have room for all of us." He yelled back from the porch, "then I'm not going."
I know that each adoption has its own set of nuances, however, I know in my heart that if you consistently let your child know that they are your child and part of your family, Heavenly Father will help you explain everything else. I feel so blessed to have had the privilege to adopt. My life would be less full without my 3 boys. Best wishes, Sharon
I think about so many of the things you mentioned in this post. I was just saying tonight that I need to be really careful when talking about the 2 different ways my kids came to me...one was easier in many ways for me, but not better... Adoption is so complicated, but so not all at the same time. I just end up telling myself that the only thing I can do is my best...love them my best, parent them my best, help them understand our family and their beginning my best. At the end of the day, I hope and pray my best is good enough. I think we all have different struggles in life. For my kids, it may or may not be that they were adopted...by a single mom...and live in a place where there isn't oodles of diversity, etc. etc. etc. You just never know. just do your best.
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