Our angel

I hesitate in writing this post because I always wonder if I share too much or not enough. Over the past week or so, my thoughts and emotions have been so turned to Kaiya's birthmother, Jessika. I mean, I am always thinking of her and praying for her happiness, and naturally every time I think about the blessing of having Kaiya in my life, I automatically think of her then. But lately, she has been on my mind so much more. And it makes me VERY emotional. I feel the deepest respect for her and the difficult things she has faced in her young life. And how she was able to rise above it all and make decisions that most people will never be able to understand. I think about all that she is doing in her life now and how grateful I am that she is happy and surrounded by such a loving family and good friends. The other night we were talking on the phone and she mentioned how she started crying the other day because she didn't want Kaiya to grow up so fast, and how she gets sad sometimes thinking about the moments that she misses in Kaiya's life. It hit me like a ton of bricks how incredibly hard that would be. And yet, she made her decision and she followed through with it, as heartbreaking and difficult as it was, and in the process, she became our angel here on earth. I just can't express the amount of love and gratitude I feel for Jess. How can you express enough feeling and emotion to someone who has given you the one gift that has brought more joy and peace and happiness than anything else in your life? How do you find words to express the amount of gratitude you feel to someone who in one selfless act, filled all those empty spaces in your heart that made you ache so much? I hope that someday, when words can be FELT and UNDERSTOOD more fully than they are here in our earthly existence, that I will be able to express such things to Jessika so that she knows just how much she means to us, just how much she has changed our lives. We love her with all of our hearts -- all three of our hearts that she brought together.

In the midst of all of these thoughts and feelings I have been having for Jessika, I have been listening to a song over and over and over again because it reaches in and touches and grabs hold of those deep feelings in my heart. I have seen it posted on lots of adoption blogs, so forgive me if it is old news to some of you. But I cannot listen to this song without sobbing and bawling my eyes out. It is soooo beautiful. It is called "Delivery" by Cherie Call.

She was only 17, and she knew she couldn't keep him.
But at that very moment, she wished that she could try.
He was sleeping in her arms, with his hand around her finger,
When a woman came and told her it was time to say goodbye.
So she wrapped him in a blanket, as her tears fell on his head,
And she sent him with a letter, and this is what it said:

"I delivered you from heaven,
From God's gentle, loving care.
I've entrusted you to mortals,
Who have wished and prayed you there.
They will be your earthy parents.
Listen well to what they say,
So they can deliver you back to heaven
And I'll meet you there someday."

One day a few weeks later, someone gave her a letter,
And as she read the words, she had to wipe the tears away.
It said, "We don't know how to thank you, there are things that words can't say.
He's the sunshine and the happiness that brightens all our days.
And we couldn't live without him.
And we love him as our own.
He has filled the empty spaces in our family and our home.

"You delivered him from heaven.
Something only you could do.
And you have trusted us to love him
And to teach him what is true.
You have been our earthly angel,
And I hope you know we pray,
That we can deliver him back to heaven
And that we'll meet you there someday.

"And even though you may not get to hold him for awhile,
A piece of you will be with him, every time he smiles.
And when he looks at his reflection, he'll see traces of the face
Of the one who made the sacrifice to send him to this place.

"Last night we read a story of man who had a Son,
Who was from a different Father, but he loved Him as his own.
And as he laid Him in a manger, there were angels that were singing,
And he knew that as a father, he would never be alone.
There are times we feel like Joseph, we need help from up above.
And when you gave your son, you showed that Father's kind of love.

"When you delivered him from heaven,
From God's gentle, loving care,
And you entrusted him to mortals
Who had wished and prayed him there.
When this life's laid out before us,
I hope we all can say,
That we delivered this child together,
When we meet again someday.
We'll deliver him back to heaven,
And we'll meet you there someday."

Thanks to our angel, Jessika. We all love you so much!