A little "Joy" in the midst of life's trials!

Last weekend, one of my best friends, Joy, came to Utah and we were able to get together for a few hours to catch up. It was great to see her! Joy was one of my 5 roomates my freshman year at BYU and after an amazing bond was created between the 5 of us, Joy and I have remained friends for about 9 years. She now lives in Texas, so we don't get to see each other very often. I just love Joy and am soooo happy that we got to see each other again, since it had been about a year!

On a different note, which does not bring me much "joy" I am alone for the weekend! Chris left for Arizona early this morning and won't be back until late Sunday night. He was invited to present a research project he has been doing with one of his professors at a conference, which is a wonderful opportunity. But that also means that I am home without him all weekend. I don't know what happened when I got married, but it used to be, when I was single, that I could be at home by myself and have no problems. Now, every time Chris is gone, I HATE it! I can't sleep alone, I spend the whole time missing him and counting down the days until he gets back. It's kinda pathetic, but I just miss him so much when he's away! A few days ago he took me to the video store and rented me a ton of chick flicks to keep me busy (also good insurance that he won't have to watch them with me)! I imagine I will spend the weekend vegging out watching love stories! It's only a few days, but still!

And on a much more depressing note (sorry), which contains no "joy", I have been feeling really blue lately with trying to have children. It has been interesting for me to experience how some months, I am really fine and able to deal with the disappointment of finding out once again that it isn't happening. And then there are the months like this one, where the frustration and ache of it all just seems to be too much. And I hate talking about it because I know that there just isn't a whole lot else that anyone can say that hasn't already been said and I don't want people to feel awkward, like they have to say something. But sometimes the silent aches in my heart just can't be silent anymore, and I have to let them out even if it's just for my own sanity. I know that each and every person has their own set of very personal struggles and heartaches and for many, many people, theirs are so much worse than mine. But for me, this struggle is very real and very hard, and something that I think about on a daily basis. I think about all of the babies out there who are born unwanted or into environments of instability or lack of love, and I wonder why could those children not have been sent to someone who is longing and wants nothing more than to love them and provide for them? It's hard not to feel a small sense of bitterness, but I've learned that there is just no good that can come from those feelings and that they just tend to make things worse, so they need to be avoided. I feel like we are and have been at a crossroads for some time now, trying to decide where to go from here. The idea of adoption is definitely an option high on our list, but it's hard to get to that difinitive point, since we have never been told outright that there is any one thing that determines that we absolutely cannot have children on our own. So, I feel like until that happens, I will always hope and wonder if there is something more that we can do to have our own children. If adoption becomes our answer, I know I will embrace that with all of my heart and I know that I will love that child as it was my own. But right now, I still am hoping that I can experience pregnancy, to feel my own child growing in my belly and everything that comes with that experience (I know some of you could do without the pregnancy part :) and to share that with Chris. On the other hand, the cost of infertility treatments (IVF, etc) is so outrageous and seemingly impossible for us right now, that I feel stuck on that option as well. And it makes me so mad that we even have to take money into consideration on something that is so sacred and important, but it is a fact of life. I can't even begin to count the amount of prayers that we have sent, asking for our children and asking for direction on how to bring them here, but still feel like I am searching. I hope and pray that one day (hopefully in the near future) this will all be a memory and when I look back and read things like this blog, this sense of sadness and aching will be replaced by an abundance of love and amazement for the child that is finally mine. Until then, we wait....

I feel bad that this post turned so depressing, when it started out so happy, being able to spend time with Joy. Sorry, Joy! I really did love seeing you!