Gratitude list

Ok, so cut back to about four years ago. I remember the day very clearly. It was a BAD day. I was sitting in our tiny little apartment on a Saturday afternoon. It was somewhat dark, because we were living in a basement, but our little window was open and it was a beautiful fall day. I could see the sun shining as I looked up through the big tree that covered our driveway. It was quiet and I was feeling very alone and pretty sad. I had just gone through a round of fertility treatments and had found out the day before that it had not worked...again. I couldn't shake the bitterness and frustration and overwhelming sadness I felt. Chris was off at school taking a test, so there I sat on the couch alone. A thought (or prompting, I guess) came to me that I needed to count my blessings. So, very begrudgingly, but because I needed something, ANYTHING to make me feel better, I went and pulled out my "thought" notebook where I wrote down little thoughts and feelings I wanted to record. I turned to the very back page and wrote across the top "I am thankful for..." And I started writing. And writing. And writing. I filled up the back page and started on another one. Filled that one up and continued onto another one. For about 1 1/2 hours I sat there and wrote every single thing I could think of that I had to be grateful for. About halfway through this process, I realized I was crying. But I wasn't SAD anymore. I was so overwhelmed with gratitude and humility and happiness for everything I had been given. It completely changed my perspective and my attitude and my heart to let my pen and my mind just run with all that I had to appreciate in my life. There were the big things, like my family, my beliefs, my husband, my Savior. Then there were the small things like the gingersnap cookies my visiting teacher at the time had brought over, the sunshine that was coming through that tiny basement window, and the changing leaves outside. But my list was long. And it was therapy. And it was exactly the perspective I needed.

I still have that notebook with my gratitude list at the back of it. I look at it often and remember that day and how it really changed me at a time when I absolutely needed it. Today, on THE DAY of gratitude (though I believe this should not just be a once-a-year occasion), I looked at my list again. There is not one thing on that list that has changed. I am still grateful for those gingersnap cookies and the recipe that is still nestled as a reminder in my recipe book. I am still beyond grateful for my husband and my family and my Savior. The only thing that has changed about that list is that it has grown immensely over the last few years. My blessings have only multiplied and my gratitude has done the same. Now, I have a daughter. I have a beautiful, perfect daughter that at the time of my original list, I could not have even dreamed of. I have a miraculous life growing inside of me, though the odds were stacked against us for that wish ever to come true. I have made some incredibly special friends and continue to cherish my relationships with old friends. I have parents who I loved back then, but now have an even greater love and respect for as I watch them faithfully serve their mission in India, sacrificing this time away from their family to be where the Lord has asked them to be. I am able to stay at home and watch my children grow up before my eyes, with new adventures every single day. I have friends and family who have taught me through their incredible examples about faith in hard things.

Yes, much has been added to my list over the past few years and for EACH and EVERY thing on that list, big and small, I AM GRATEFUL!!

Happy Thanksgiving, all!

Kaiya, Thanksgiving 2008 -- I love you, Grandma and Grandpa!

Playing twinners with cousin, Ella

Yep, they know how to rock! (No, not BYU)

FAN-TAS-TIC! No, I'm not referring to the BYU v. Utah game. That was fan-CRAP-tic. Unless of course you are a Ute fan. Which I AM NOT! I want to love Max Hall for his good work this year. But I'm having a hard time overlooking his countless interceptions Saturday night. Why, Max, why? And what's with the 85 year-old-lady at the restaurant we were at that was giving me the most blatant crusty looks every time I cheered for BYU? Apparently she was a Ute fan, but geesh lady, relax! Pretty much one of the most frustrating games ever for us Coug fans. Oh well, what's done is done.

Even a game like that could not dampen our night, however! The FAN-TAS-TIC part of Saturday night that I'm referring to is, of course, the Coldplay concert! It was incredible, beyond all my expectations! Seriously, who performs like that?! It was such an amazing show and the music was spot on! We jumped, we waved arms, we swayed, we screamed, we loved! They played pretty much every song that I have ever loved, complete with lots of running and jumping and funky dancing by Chris Martin. They rocked loud and then gave some acoustic quiet. They showered the crowd with loads of confetti. They had the perfect combination of stage show -- lights, screens, great camera angles. They EVEN surprised everyone halfway through, by running up the side of the arena through the crowd to 4 empty seats, where they played a beautiful acoustic version of The Scientist right in the middle of everyone. WOW!

(here's them playing in the crowd -- seriously, how lucky are those people?!)

And YES, they played "Fix You" and it was amazing! Chills and goosebumps for sure! I so wish they could repeat songs at concerts!

(I'm in heaven during this song, as you can see!)

The only bad part of the night was walking out, feeling sooo sad that it was over! Honestly, one of the best shows I have been to in so long. LOVED, LOVED, LOVED it!! I can't wait until they return because we are THERE! Thanks again, honey, for such a perfect night! You definitely know how to take a girl on a date!

I like him...I like him A LOT!

Yeah, this guy is good. Good, good, good to me! Let me tell you just a few of the many reasons why.

Every night, while I get ready for bed, he lays on my side of the bed to warm it up for me so I don't have to get into freezing sheets. That's nice.

He is going to be so embarrassed that I am writing this post about him. His humility is so nice.

For the first 3 months of my pregnancy, while I was feeling so sick and could not stand the smell of pretty much anything, he changed EVERY poopy diaper that happened while he was at home. I'm not kidding you, I lost count on how many he changed! Maybe he was more scared of seeing me lose my lunch. But either way, it was nice. (And he still changes diapers ALL the time!)

On many occasions he has driven me all over town, looking for that one particular thing that I happen to be craving. Sometimes it's a certain kind of ice cream. Sometimes it's a sprite. On a few occasions it has been a corndog. Yeah, a corndog. And he never, ever complains. He usually just laughs.

He is well aware that I am not just a little, but A LOT OCD about dog hair. I hate it with a passion. How do I manage to have a horse of a dog, you ask? Well, that is because Chris diligently brushes him every other day, rain or snow, outside and then will even come in and pull out the vacuum and vacuum the house so I don't have to go insane when I see dog hair around. I still do go insane, but I would be in the looney house if it weren't for Chris working so hard to keep the hair under control. That is nice!

You see what I mean? He's pretty swell, my man. But on top of all these nice things he does on a regular basis, he surprised me with tickets to go see one of my all-time favorite bands, these guys... I cannot even tell you how excited I am about this concert! I have loved Coldplay for years and years now, but Chris knew I would never buy tickets on my own because I would always find something else we could do with the money. So, he surprised me with them! I don't even care if Chris Martin is grouchy, like he can sometimes be. I don't care if he wears that same ugly jacket and weird tape on his fingers. I don't even care if Gwenyth decides not to come with little Apple and Moses. As long as they play "Fix You" with that incredible 4-part harmony, all will be well in my world! Ohhh, I am soooo excited! Turn off my music at the bottom and enjoy this goodness for a minute!

Yeah, I like my honey. I like him A LOT!!

(Really, I LOVE him. Thanks, baby!)

15 months and counting!

Gosh, I can't seem to keep up, but there are some important things I want to make sure I get down!

On Friday, our little Ya-ya turned 15 months! How is that possible?! It has been awhile since I wrote down some things that Kaiya is up to at this phase, so here are some 15 month goods!

Kaiya is walking all over the place now, which is both the most exciting thing ever and a busy, crazy new phase for mom and dad! I honestly didn't anticipate how much I would absolutely LOVE to see those little weeble-wobble legs taking her all over the place! She prefers walking anywhere and everywhere she can, and this also means that after she's been out of the car somewhere, walking all over the place, she does NOT want to get back in her car seat! We've had many a little fit when it's time to sit back down! But I guess it's understandable when walking provides such a new-found freedom! We have also learned how much more we have to watch her because she disappears real fast and gets into things at lightning speed! (Videos for grandma and grandpa's viewing pleasure...finally!)





Kaiya is a very petite little girl. At her last appointment she was only in the 35th percentile for both height and weight and she just BARELY moved into size 3 shoes. But she is growing at her own rate and I love how much personality is bottled up in that little body! Her hair, on the other hand, has no trouble growing! It's getting so long in the back! I hate to say it, but it slightly resembles a mullet! Hehe! We love doing pony's and piggies with all those cute curls!

She is still sleeping incredible -- about 13 hours at night and takes a good afternoon nap as well. I don't know what I am going to do when she decides not to sleep so much, but until then, I'm loving it! She loves to cuddle with her soft animals or a blanket when she lays down to sleep and has learned how to give them hugs and hold them close to her. It's pretty cute.

She loves to give kisses. Sometimes she just makes the sound, sometimes she will blow them to you, or if you're lucky, she will lean in for a big open-mouth slobber job! Oh, I can't get enough of her smooches!

Her favorite words to say are obviously dada and mama, but she also loves to say dog (or duck -- they sound VERY similar), cat, ball, hi, and baby. She has only very recently become interested in her Signing Time videos, but will sign milk, more, and shoes. We are currently working on teaching her how to point out body parts, like nose, eyes, ears, feet, etc.

When Kaiya is tired, she loves to have a hand held up to her face. If she can get ahold of your hand, she will pull it up to the side of her face, lay her head in it, and not let it go for anything. I love that so much, but it does make my arm fall asleep while I'm trying to drive in the car!

She still loves to dance anytime music comes on. She bounces and bobs from side to side and will also squeal quite loud if one of her favorites comes on. The "Diaper Dance" song on Signing Time usually incites a pretty good little squeal. It will be so fun when she is old enough to take some dance lessons!

She LOVES books. There have been times when she will sit and look at her books for nearly an hour, just turning the pages over and over again. We love reading her stories as well, but she definitely likes to be in control of the page turning!

Church has become an interesting adventure lately. Our block is from 11-2, which happens to also come right during nap time, so by that 3rd hour, Kaiya is pretty much done. I can't believe that in just 3 months, she will be heading to nursery! YIKES!

Kaiya still has that separation anxiety, although it has gotten much better now that she can walk. She still doesn't like us to leave the room, doesn't really like strangers to pick her up, and is very aware of where mom and dad are at all times. This can be a bit challenging at times, but it does warm my heart that she is attached to us and likes to be around us. It's not always going to be that way, I know!

Kaiya is eating so great. She will pretty much eat anything that we are eating, which is very nice! I am amazed that we really haven't found anything that she just refuses to eat. She loves gogurts, cheese, potatoes and pretty much any fruits the best. Most surprisingly, she LOVES green beans! I don't even like green beans and she eats them like crazy! Daddy always makes sure she gets a good taste of sweets and loves to sneak her ice cream and cookies! Like she would deny him of that pleasure! She is also doing quite well with using new utensils. She can drink out of cup really well (unless she gets excited and dumps it too fast), and does pretty well eating with a spoon. She can't really pick up the food very well with the spoon, but she can get the food to her mouth without help.

She loves to find small holes and slots to put things into. We have lost our keys on many occasions, only to find them dropped down into one of her toys somewhere. She has this toy that blows balls up out of a spout and she tries to put EVERYTHING down that. We find binkies, hair brushes, socks, and lots of other things in there! She tries pretty much every day to put her sippy cup down there as well, but luckily it does not fit!

I would say probably her favorite thing ever is bath time. Oh, she would literally turn into a raisin if it were up to her. She could sit in there all day long! She splashes and plays with her toys and loves to squeeze the water out of the wash cloths. My favorite thing is to watch her SHOCKED expression when she dumps her cup over her head when all the water dumps all over her. It's like a total surprise each time! She also loves to get out of the bath and sit on the counter to check out that funny little girl looking back at her in the mirror. She reaches out to touch her, laughs with her, makes silly expressions with her, and sometimes tries to figure out why she can't quite get to her!

Probably one of my favorite things about Kaiya is her laugh. It is hearty and girly and sweet all at the same time! It kind-of reminds me of the little brother from the "Christmas Story". When she gets going really good, it turns into half squeal, half gut-buster. Chase and daddy can make her laugh the hardest. When Chase gets excited and starts running around the room, Kaiya loses it! And she REALLY loses it when daddy picks her up and chases Chase around the room her in his arms. It is so hilarious. I need to get that on video one of these days! In fact, as I am typing this post, Kaiya is cracking up because Chase is licking off a spoon with ice cream on it. For some reason, she finds him so funny and it is so cute! She is a pretty happy little babe! And speaking of Chase, she LOVES animals! He has made her so comfortable around dogs and other animals and she is fascinated by any living thing! This is her with Aaron and Deb's dog, Lucy.


Well, that is some of the stuff that we are loving about Kaiya and that she is loving about life right now. She is quite a special little girl and obviously fills up our lives with so much joy and happiness. I can't believe how fast she is changing and growing and I feel like the luckiest person alive that I get to be here watching it all take place. I can't imagine life without my baby girl and I love her sooo much! (photo courtesy of Debbie)

Happy (late) National Adoption Day!

Don't I feel like a horse's patoot. Seriously.

Saturday, November 15th, we got the sweetest message from our Jessika, wishing us a Happy National Adoption Day. OUCH! I can't believe I let the date slip away from me. I felt sooo horrible that I had totally spaced such an important day! I knew it was coming and I just lost track of the day. Anyway, leave it to the sweetest girl on the planet to call and remind me! How I love Jessika!

Anyway, we called and had a great talk with her and I tried to apologize profusely for forgetting, and of course Jess was not the least bit mad, but I still felt so bad.

So, even though it's late, I wanted to say a few things about such a special day. Adoption ROCKS! It's as simple as that! It seems like every single person I meet who learns about Kaiya's special story has a story of their own. Someone they know, someone in their family, maybe even adopted themselves. Adoption is like this beautiful, universal experience that so many people can share and rejoice in together! And how grateful I am that there has been such a shift in the last decade or so that allows for an openess about this subject that did not exist before. Here I am talking about it on my blog, like so many other people, and that in and of itself is a beautiful thing!

Obviously, my feelings on the subject are so deep and so special, it is almost impossible to express. I have tried. I have shared as much as I have felt comfortable sharing about our experience with adopting Kaiya, but there are still so many feelings tucked and planted so deeply in my heart that I will never truly be able to convey. But adoption has changed my life forever. I have the most beautiful daughter because of this priceless gift. I have a spirit in my life, a light so bright, that I never would have had if it weren't for the miracle of adoption. There is not one single day that goes by that I don't thank my Heavenly Father that a way was provided, through this blessed opportunity, for us to start our family after 5 long years of struggling. How do you quantify what that means?!

Sure, adoption comes with a lot of ups and downs and heartache for many people involved. It is not always easy. It is often complicated. But when you look into the life that was created and given to you, you can't escape how beautifully worth it it is. Nothing could be more worth it than to have a child that in every way is yours. What a blessing!

And it would be utterly impossible to talk about adoption without talking about Jess. I wrote a poem just before we were to finalize Kaiya's adoption and have her sealed to us. I spoke of Jessika as our "golden girl". And she is. She is the person who brought the brightest light of sunshine into our lives. She is the girl who glows herself with such a selfless kindness and genuine love for other people. She is special beyond words. She is golden and she is priceless to us. Who could have such courage? Who could give the kind of gift she gave us? There are few people in the world who have a heart big enough to do such difficult things. But that is Jess. She has been an example to me of what it truly means to be a mother, to sacrifice anything and everything to give your child what they need and deserve. I don't think she will ever be able to understand how much we love her and how grateful we are for what she has done for us. And there is no doubt that Kaiya will grow up loving her even more for the life that she has been given because of Jessika's decision. Jess, we love you more than we could ever tell you.

So here's to celebrating the miracle and blessing of adoption. What a beautiful gift that touches and changes so many lives. Just as it has done for me. Just as it has done for Chris. Just has it has done for Kaiya. And just as it has done for the family that will join us in the future. Happy (late) National Adoption Day!!

Overwhelmed...

This is the only word I could come up with after reading your comments. Seriously, people, do you know how much sunshine you put into my heart? People I know and love, people I have come to know and look up to through the adoption world, and people I don't even know at all. You have each individually put a HUGE grin on my face with your words of encouragement and warm wishes. I have visited your sites as well, and read your stories and have been sooo uplifted! I am amazed at how many of us share similar experiences with infertility and adoption and surprises! I wish I could write you each a letter or something to thank you. Seriously. It was a bit scary for me to put this all out there, but immediately I felt so glad that I did because of all of you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Man, the world is still full of such good people!

Now that I have let my cat out of the bag, I wanted to share some thoughts on what pregnancy has meant to me. It's a STRANGE thing, let me tell you. For the past few years, I have been CONSUMED with adoption. And rightly so, because it is the most beautiful, special thing in the world, and it has changed my life and the lives of my family. My mindset was in such a different place. When you make the decision to adopt (for us, the second time around), you start to gear up. You gear up emotionally for what is ahead. You gear up for the ups and the downs. You gear up for the waiting. You gear up for the unknown and the uncertainty. You get your mind and your heart in a place that has to feel prepared for ANYTHING and everything. Anything EXCEPT pregnancy, I should say! That's where I was just a few short months ago. When I found out I was pregnant, I knew my mindset was in for a HUGE shift. But it is hard to switch from one expectation to another very different one. In a way, I almost mourned knowing we wouldn't be adopting this time around. Does that sound so weird? It's hard to explain. But my mind and heart were THERE and they had to move to HERE. And I felt a little sad about not being able to have the kind of emotional and spiritual experience we had with Kaiya's adoption. It was a strange thing to finally have what we thought we would never have and to then experience the feelings associated with it. I don't know if this is making any sense at all, but it really has been an interesting shift that has taken place. Ultimately, what has eased the sadness of those thoughts, is that adoption will ALWAYS be a huge part of our lives, so it's not like we aren't in that world anymore or that we are giving it up. We are just making room in our world for very new experiences. And honestly, who even knows what the future holds for us! More adoptions, more pregnancies, it's anyone's guess! And we look forward to WHATEVER the Lord has in store for us!

Pregnancy has definitely come with its' own very new set of experiences for my mind and heart. There are fears and worries that I never had to think about with adoption. What will labor and delivery be like? How will my body change? And nursing?! Oh my! Things pertaining to my physical self that I didn't necessarily experience when going through adoption. But there are a lot of things that feel more certain as well. I pretty much know when this child will come into our lives and how. I can almost bet on some red hair! And at this point, we have eliminated an uncertain waiting period. The emotions are a bit different though. The connection you feel to a life INSIDE of you, a life that YOU created with God together. The responsibility I feel for caring for my body in order to care for theirs. The wonder of this foreign experience that I dreamed of for years and years and am now finally living.

I talked to my dear friend Jamie at length about so much of this and expressed to her some concerns that were in my heart. She is a wise one, that girl, and she really opened my eyes to some things that I hadn't thought enough about. Upon finding out we were pregnant, I could not help but immediately turn my thoughts to Kaiya. Wondering and worrying about how this would make HER feel in the future to have a sibling who was created biologically by her parents, and for her to be adopted. I worried so much about her feeling loved completely and totally as a member of our family, regardless of how she came to be with us. These are things that I had not anticipated feeling because I was in such a different mindset and wasn't expecting a pregnancy. But I also came to the realization that this new baby will need to feel just as important because they WEREN'T adopted. Kaiya's adoption can't overshadow their importance in our family either. It goes both ways.

BUT, in saying all of this, I have learned so much in these few short months as well. I have learned that there is more that is the SAME about our experiences with our two children than is different. Sure, there are obvious differences, but I am amazed at how I feel about both of these children. As someone who has now experienced both sides of the fence, I can say unequivically that I love each of these human beings with complete equality and totality. There is not one part of me that loves one or the other more or less. I don't know this life inside of me personally yet like I know Kaiya. But I love him or her as much as I loved Kaiya while she grew peacefully in Jessika. I know I will love them both for very unique and individual reasons, as it pertains to their personalities and spirits. But I love them both the same. It doesn't matter that Kaiya was adopted and that this new life was of my own creation. Kaiya is not just special because she was adopted, but because she is OUR daughter. Our new baby won't be special just because we waited over 5 years to be pregnant with him or her, but because they are OUR child. It is an amazing thing to know this kind of love as a parent, and to see how limitless and unprejudiced it is. It is purely and simply the love of a parent for their children. Will Kaiya's story be special and important and unique and something we talk frequently about in our home? Yes, of course. And I hope and pray with all my heart that she will understand what a miracles she is. Will this new baby's story be just as important and special and unique and something we talk frequently about with him or her? Yes, of course. And again, I hope they will understand what a miracle they are as well. Isn't that a beautiful thing? Each life that we welcome into our families has a story behind them. A story we get to share with our children. Full of details and feelings and emotions that make them that incredible and essential piece to our family puzzle, that piece we could not live without. But at the end of the day, we can say to each one of them, "I love you", and we can mean it the same as when we say it to their siblings. I am grateful that this realization I have come to in the last few months has really tempered the worries and concerns I initially had in shifting my mind and heart to this new experience.

And finally, a few words about our sweet Jessika. She was one of the first people I thought about when we found out we were pregnant. I was a little scared to tell her and her family, not knowing how it would effect them emotionally. I'm not sure why because I know how incredible these people are. And when we did tell them, I felt the most pure joy and love from them and the most genuine excitement. They were thrilled. And have been wonderful ever since, calling and texting to see how I am feeling, how the baby is doing, etc. Our lives are not just connected to them because of Kaiya, but they have genuine love for our FAMILY, even as it grows. To know people who are THIS good and this unselfish is one of the greatest blessings that has come as a result of our adoption experience. Our love for Jessika, our respect for everything she went through, has only multiplied as we now experience pregnancy ourselves. She is an amazing girl and will always hold such an incredibly special place in our hearts.

I don't know if one ounce of this made any sense at all. But I want to document this experience as much as I can and these are many of the thoughts, feelings and emotions I have experienced in just a few short months. I'm sure there will be much more to come in the future. Right now, though, I can safely say I love each of my babies. So much. And they are each miracles to me.

Wanna hear a really good story?

So, I have a little story to tell. It's a personal one, but it does have quite a few twists and turns to it, so if you're interested, follow along!

Well, back on September 6th, we decided it was time to look a bit further into IVF (InVitro Fertilization). So, we went to the reproductive clinic at the U, met with a really fantastic doctor, who unfortunately did not tell us anything that we did not already know. Unexplained infertility, can't figure out why we are not able to get pregnant, 0-5% chance of ever conceiving on our own, great candidates for IVF, but hand us over $15-20,000 for a 60% chance of IVF even working for us. Needless to say, we walked out of that appointment feeling quite discouraged and not much further along than we had when we walked into the appointment.

So, what did we do? We picked up the phone, literally in the parking lot of the clinic and called our trusty adoption agency. We LOVED working with LDS Family Servicies for Kaiya's adoption and we knew we wanted to go with them again. So, we called our agency up here, and asked them to send us out our next packet. Honestly, after the disapointment we had just felt minutes before, all those emotions were completely replaced by the excitement we felt to jump into adoption all over again. It felt right and it felt good! I felt immediate peace.

About a week later, we got our packet in the mail. (Do you remember that post?) We were elated! Ripped right into it and quickly got started. We contacted our referrals and got them all lined up (thanks guys), filled out our paperwork, and sent it all in! The next step would be getting a phone call from our new case worker once they received our paperwork to set up an intake interview where we would put down our deposit and start the next round of paperwork and background checks, etc. We could not WAIT! We did get that phone call from our new case worker, but that's where the story gets a little interesting.

A few days after we got our paperwork sent off, I got sick. Real sick. And I could not shake it. By the time we got that phone call from our case worker a week and a half later, our lives had already been changed on September 25th. We had done this... and this.... oh yeah, and this....

and about 6 others after that!!

Didn't I promise you twists and turns in this story?!

And if you're wondering, YES, those are MY pregnancy tests! This girl, who merely weeks before was told that she had a 0-5% chance of ever getting pregnant on her own, had a big, fat "IN YOUR FACE" for those doctors! We showed them, didn't we?! Hehe!

I guess now that I've reached the climax of this story, I should fill in some details of that impossibly shocking day in our lives and the days that have followed since. So, back to the getting sick part. I felt horrible. 24 hours a day. And more tired than if I had swam accross the ocean. Of course, having never been pregnant before, I never once thought that's what it could be. I hadn't taken a pregnancy test in about 2 years. They just got too hard and too depressing. So, after a week of feeling so yucky, and not getting any better, the thought occured to me (it must have been inspiration because I would have never thought of it on my own) to just take a test to rule that out. I was desperate to figure out what was wrong with me. So, one day after Chris left for work, without even thinking to tell him that I was going to take a test (this is how SURE I was that I was NOT pregnant), I rolled out of bed, ready to lose my insides, and made my way over to the drawer where I kept my tests. There was only one in there, and it was EXPIRED. Drat! But I thought, what the heck, I'll use it anyway. I looked at it and there were two lines. There had NEVER been two lines, but this was an expired test and one of the lines was so faint, so I knew I had a defunct test. Still, something told me (again, because I never would have done this on my own) that I needed to go buy a few more tests. So, on my way to the store, I called my sister and told her what had happened. She proceeds to tell me that you pretty much NEVER get two lines unless you are prego and that she was sure I was prego. WHAT?! That's where the pit started to form in my stomach. Could it be? No, really? So, I bought a few more tests. I got home, drank as much water as I could, needing to build up some urine to take the test with and went to take the second test. Only this time, I didn't have enough stuff to take the test with and the display was only half filled. You have got to be kidding me, people! Can I just get an answer?! I could see the faint startings of the necessary plus sign, but it was only half-way there, so I couldn't trust it. Drink more water. Lots more. Take test #3 and there it was. Clear as day. I was WAY too shocked to cry or feel much of anything. I simply could not and would not believe it. I decided I had better let my husband in on all that had been going on that morning, so I packed up Ya-ya and hit the road to Logan to surprise him for lunch. I needed something quick and creative to tell him with, so I threw a little onesie on one of Kaiya's stuffed animals and attached the test to it. Chris was so happily surprised when we showed up to his office. Little did he know, that was not the surprise. We went out to the car and I said, we have another surprise for you in the back seat. He reaches around, grabs the stuffed animal, stares at it with nothing but total confusion on his face. He looks at me and says "What? (pause) No. (pause) Really? (long pause) Is it mine?" We both burst out laughing at that point and then shed a few tears together, but still both too shocked to really get super emotional. We spent lunch that day talking about the "what-if's". What if we really are? What if the tests are wrong? But what if we are?! We went to the store and bought some more tests -- the digital, no fail unless you can't read ones. We took several more over the course of the next few days and one by one, they all confirmed the news. So, I called the doctor to make an appointment, and that was about the weirdest thing I had ever done. I couldn't even tell them the date of my last period so I had no idea how far along I was! We guessed and made an appointment. Over the next several weeks, while waiting for the appointment, we waited nervously. It was the first thing that I thought of each day when I woke up, the last thing I thought of when I lay in bed at night, and about 6 million times in between during the day. I simply could not believe it. It was like waiting for someone to pull the rug out from underneath us. Sure, we were excited, but it was more like, "well, we'll see" kind of excited. It was so cautious and so inhibited at this point. We told our family members. Everyone about died. A few of them guessed it so quickly that I wondered how and why they would ever guess such a thing! We told my parents over the webcam and it was one of the happiest, most special experiences I have had with them since they have been on their mission. I think that was when most of the tears were shed. And then we waited for that appointment.

The day of the appointment came and I was a nervous wreck. I was SURE the doctor was going to look at me and say, "there's nothing there" or "you were never pregnant" or something (oh ye of little faith, right?) I just have to insert here that my lack of believing was not due to my lack of desire for this to actually be happening. Inside my deepest heart, I was THRILLED beyond belief. I was screaming inside with excitement. But I was too scared to let those emotions surface and to FEEL them too much. After the disappointment we have felt over the years, I could not face the pain of letting myself love and be excited over a baby that was not going to be mine. It was purely a defense tactic for my weak heart. (But the excitement was tucked away in there somewhere.) Anyway, the doctor starts the exam, after we told him all of our history with infertility. Maybe he was as nervous as we were for fear he would have to give us disappointing news. But he looked me in the eye after a few minutes and says, "Well, there is definitely something there and you definitely FEEL pregnant!" I wanted to hug him, but it's not appropriate in the middle of an exam like that! Haa! I felt relief start to wash over me. But I couldn't totally trust that until we saw the ultrasound. We went next door, sat in the dark room, and looked anxiously at the screen. And THERE IT WAS!! Our jellybean! Tiny, perfect, new, heart beating strong. And it was OURS. There was no more denying it, no more need for unbelief. We were looking at our baby, clear as day. It was emotional, to say the least, and so powerful. It was a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. I could believe. We were 9 weeks along and we were given May 20th as the big day. This was really happening!

The next few weeks were filled with more sickness, but who knew you could feel so HAPPY about being sick, because that meant everything was happening the way it was supposed to. Chris asked me every day how I was feeling. Mainly because he's a good, caring, concerned husband. But also because he NEEDED me to feel sick to know that it was still real. I needed that too. Last week, while in California, I turned a huge corner and started feeling so much better. I got tons of energy back and found my long-lost good friend of an appetite. Man, I love food and the last month has been TORTURE because NOTHING has sounded good. But I ate enough for 20 people last week, so thrilled was I to like food again! We had another appointment yesterday, and our good, good soul of a doctor said I HAD to get another ultrasound because we are a special case! No arguments here. He has made so many little extra efforts to make this so special for us, knowing our history and all. I love him! So, not only did I get to hear that strong, vibrant, fast heartbeat, I got to go see how incredibly much our little jellybean had changed. It is actually a BABY now, with arms and legs and features and a beautiful profile! He/she is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen since I saw their sister in Jessika's belly over a year ago! And what was even more special was our little peanut was sooo active. Rolling all around, stretching arms and legs, even rolling to face us so we could get a good look. It was showing off, for sure! So, as of right now at 12 weeks, things are looking great! Baby is healthy, mom is feeling better, and we are finally letting ourselves believe that this is happening. After almost 6 long years, this is actually happening! I can't even believe I am writing this post because I never thought I would. But I am, and I feel the most indescribable joy and wonder about the whole thing. What was once UNBELIEVABLE is now totally believable.

I imagine my loving Heavenly Father is looking down, wondering why I ever doubted that all things are possible with Him, knowing completely what was to happen in our lives. Just like it was when Kaiya joined our family, HE always knew, HE always was carefully crafting our story, HE always was there working out the details. We just had to be patient, learn real faith, and let HIM take over. This is just the way HE always knew it would work out and I know and trust that HIS way is always the best and right way. I think about what might have been if we had gotten pregnant all those years ago. The thought that Kaiya might not be here with us is unbearable and unthinkable. I know SHE is the reason this baby is coming now. Kaiya always needed to be with us and may not have been if things had worked out differently. Now, she will be the BEST big sister to this new child and our family will have such a story behind it all. A special, remarkable story filled with miracles and mercies and surprises at every turn.

This story continues as this little baby continues to grow, but for now, I think the story has turned out pretty good! Thanks for letting me finally share a story like this!

We're back!

Back home and back to blogging...well, maybe not so much back to blogging, but I am going to be sure to at least get down some memories from our sweet trip to Cali this past week and a half! We got home this evening after a long drive, but I can say that this little get-away was sooo needed and we had the BEST time! It was one of those trip that was not so much about theme parks and visiting a gazillion places, though we have had plenty of trips like that and they are full of equally wonderful memories. This trip, though, for me, was about connecting and reconnecting. It was about a full 10 days of getting my fill in of my Chris and my Kaiya without so many of the usual day to day interruptions. It was about the long talks during the long car rides, laughing and just being together. It was about reconnecting with friends and family that we wish we could see every day, but usually only see a few times a year. It was just about being with people we love, honestly. And really, is there anything better than that? I really came home today, feeling so grateful for the special people that I have in my life and for the time I was able to spend with them this week.

First stop was Carpinteria, just outside of Santa Barbara, where we visited our great friends, Dean and Jeanette and their ADORABLE little brood! We ate at a fun place right by the beach and spent the rest of the night talking, laughing, and watching some pretty sweet YouTube videos! The next day we had the most delish BBQ and hung out and played with the kids in the backyard, enjoying the PERFECT weather! Then we went to a really neat place that was full of beautiful gardens and ponds and had a fantastic park next door. We were sad to have to say good-bye, but had such a fun time with our friends! Thanks sooo much, guys!

Then it was on to Aaron (my brother) and Debbie's house! We could not WAIT to get there! I had to restrain myself from smooching my nephews faces off! I miss these sweet boys sooo much! We had a great dinner that night and of course had to spend several hours after that talking and talking and talking, because we just don't see each other nearly enough!

The next day, we made a trip out to Santa Maria, where we were able to spend the afternoon with Chris' grandparents. They had never met Kaiya and it had been a few years since we had seen them too, so it was a very special treat to be able to spend time with them! I have to mention the ENORMOUS amount of respect and love we have for these two. Over the years, they have been very diligent in sending us letters and correspondence, documenting such important family history. Chris' grandpa has even written a book about his experiences in the war. They are wise and they are kind and we are grateful for the heritage they are leaving for us and for their examles. We spent the afternoon talking with them and then got a special treat of going out into their beautiful backyard to pick some California produce! As a California girl through and through, I can tell you there is nothing quite like fruit from trees in Cali! We came away with bags full of oranges, apples, limes and lemons! Mmmm! It was a fun and very special visit for us!The next few days, we spent with Aaron and Deb and their family. We went to the beach and the boys surfed, of course! I thought Chris might literally run from the car right into the ocean, he was so excited! If only we lived closer for him to be able to do that more often! I love to see him so excited about it and Aaron is always the best surfing host, going to just the right spots and making sure he knows exactly what the conditions will be like! Deb and I enjoyed hanging out, relaxing on the beach, talking away, while the kids ran around having fun! Kaiya ate a TON of sand and we found the remainder of the beach in her diaper when we got home, but hey, that's what going to the beach is all about! She loved it! My next stop was a trip back to the Central Valley where I grew up. Man, was that nostolgic! I hadn't been there for several years and there is just something that feels like home to me. Soooo many memories in that area! It was great to return, but even more great that I was returning so I could visit one of my favorite people in the world! I spent the day with one of my best friends, Jamie, and had the entire day to just talk and laugh and catch up! One might think that an entire day of talking would surely be enough, but I could have spent about 20 more days and still not feel entirely caught up! But you take what you can get, right? We had fun playing with her beautiful girls and when I left, I missed Jamie instantly! There is nothing like a friend who you have like 20 years of history with, who you can not see for months and months, but instantly you feel reconnected and like not a moment has gone by. Those are the special kind of friends and I'm grateful that Jamie is one of mine! The rest of the week was spent with Aaron and Deb, seeing all around the cute new town they live in, playing with the boys, more talking and laughing, surfing, and just enjoying our time with them! One night, we went to San Luis Obispo to the farmer's market, which is HUGE there and spent the evening walking around the booths and shops. It was sooo fun and such a neat atmosphere! One sidenote: it was interesting to me, the entire time we were in Cali, no matter what city we were in, to see the great attention being given to Prop 8, on both sides. At the farmer's market there were tons and tons of people walking around with their signs and stickers. It is such an IMPORTANT issue, whether you live there or not and I could not help but feel very passionate about it, especially for the way it effects so many things besides just marriage. To think that even adoption would literally change for SOOO many people depending on which way this goes is a very real and very scary thing. Anyway, I couldn't help but offer my little inkling of a voice, even though I won't be voting on it. It will be very interesting to see what happens. Anyway, enough of that. The farmer's market was GREAT and we had a really fun time! Another special treat for me was being able to go help out in my little nephew, Evan's, classroom. He was so surprised to see his mom and I and we had such a good time making Halloween treats with all the kids! Ev is such a special little guy to me and I was glad to be able to visit him and see him at school! We also got to spend Halloween with Aaron and Deb and their kids! Jessika and her parents sent Kaiya the cutest Halloween outfit and hair things -- thanks so much, guys! The rest of the evening went pretty much exactly how I envisioned. We put Kaiya's costume on, she cried, would NOT leave her witch hat on, but obliged us a few pictures! She was a trooper during the trick-or-treating, though, and walked through some of it, but mostly rested safely in dad's arms for the majority of the time. She did get a bucket full of goodies that she can't really eat, though, so of course mom and dad helped her out with that! We sooo loved her costume, even if she didn't, our cute little witch! Our nephews were pretty dang cute, too! Debbie made an ingenious costume for her youngest, Luke, out of glowsticks and he was a walking stick figure! I didn't get any good pics of it, but honestly, it was a winner of a costume! It was so fun that Kaiya got to have her first trick or treating experience with her cute cousins! That night, we put the kids to bed and Debbie busted out the best treat of the night: battered, deep-fried candy bars! Ok, I am very PASSIONATE about this special treat. It is a Scottish delicacy, found at all of the fish and chips shops there. I had MORE than my share of these heavenly treats as a missionary in Scotland, but I justified it with all the walking we did! You dip your favorite candy bar in a thick batter, then simply fry it up, and it comes out crispy on the outside and gooey and melted in the middle! Ohhhh my gosh, you have no idea! Thanks so much, Deb, for bringing me back to those good ole' days! Mmmm! Then the adults all sat down for a scary Halloween movie to end the night off! Fun times!

Our last day there, we politely made our demands of needing to visit Pismo Beach, the beach I went to all growing up. You see it has been far too long since I have visited the famous Splash Cafe, and I NEEDED a fix of their clam chowder in a sour dough bread bowl. So, after the guys spent one last morning surfing, we headed to that special blue building on main street in Pismo and ordered up the goodness! I literally was salivating and had been waiting for this all week. Yes, it IS that good! Don't judge me until you've tried it! Oh man, it was worth the wait! I heard a rumor that they sell it at Costco down there, and I would sure appreciate it if they would ship some up this way, dang it! Yum-eee! We spent the rest of the day, walking the shops, going down the pier, and seeing all those old familiar sites that I grew up with! It was so fun! We finished off the day with a trip to another old, favorite restaurant (yes, sometimes trips need to revolve around good food, too --hehe) that my family went to all growing up -- McClintock's! It was EXACTLY how I remembered it, even down to the server's uniforms, and I was glad for that! DELICIOUS food, funnest atmosphere, and a trip down memory lane for me! So, that was how our week went! It's nice to be home. I thought Chase would jump through the ceiling when we walked in the door (we have never left him alone for that long), and we sure were excited to see him too! Our nephews took such good care of him while we were gone! I am sad our trip is over, but we have so many lasting memories from this week and with the people we were able to visit. Again, it just has been so special for me this week to be able to spend time with people we love and together as a family. I could not ask for a better get-away than what we had! Now, time for unpacking -- YUCK!