A Little Peek

I have been hesitating to write much about this, and I'm not really sure why. Writing has always been therapy for me and the documentation of important events AND feelings are essential to our family journal. So, as we begin yet another journey to who knows where, I want to get down what I have been feeling. Here's a little peek into my head and heart right now.

Well, as I have posted, Kaiya turned one a few weeks ago, and with her hitting that year mark, we also became eligible to start the adoption process again, if we choose. (Our agency requires that your child be a year old before you start again.) In the months approaching Kaiya's birthday, we felt and decided that we would get started right away, as soon as Kaiya was one. I had even made phone calls to the local agency here in our area to discuss what, if anything, we could do before she was a year old to get a head start on the process. I also tried to start mentally and emotionally preparing myself for the new journey ahead, whatever it might be. As it was when we started Kaiya's adoption, I have been flooded with so many thoughts and feelings. Some stressful. Some scary. Many exciting. And a lot of asking if I was ready for this again.

About one week before Kaiya's birthday, Chris was talking with a co-worker about Kaiya's adoption and she mentioned to him that her daughter had tried to conceive for about 5 years as well and was introduced to a program that could possibly cover the cost of doing In Vitro. And come to find out, she did do IVF and it was covered! WOW! Thanks to private donations from people wanting to help with the horrendous costs of such procedures, a fund was created for people who qualify. This co-worker gave Chris the number to call and told him we should give it a try.

I'm not sure why, but this new possibility opened a whole new can of worms for me. A big can! Suddenly, I was staring my infertility in the face again. I was returning to so many of those thoughts and emotions that had plagued me for so many years. Thoughts and emotions that I really had not felt since we made the decision to move forward with Kaiya's adoption a few years ago. I can honestly say, that with the decision to adopt, so many of those very difficult, heart-wrenching emotions were put to rest and I was so at peace. Then, as we met Jessika, experienced the birth of our daughter, and have been busy with the joy of raising her this year, I really haven't thought much about my infertility. Now, with new possibilities comes old fears and worries. Chris and I have talked so much about this lately. I am again reminded of the absolute ROCK he has always been to me through these difficult things. He has a very special way of comforting me and helping me to feel that things are going to be ok. It really is a gift that he has and I can't count the number of times I have been on the receiving end of his calming assurance. I am so grateful to have him to journey with.

The truth is, a large part of me is EXCITED about the possibility of trying new things to get pregnant. I have always, always wanted to have the experience of being pregnant, creating life. Those feelings have never left me, but have definitely been paled a little bit with the arrival of Kaiya into our lives. So, IF it were possible, and IF we were given financial help to explore these options, and IF I was able to get pregnant, it is obvious how THRILLED we would be. Beyond description, in fact. BUT. Yes, there's always that but. BUT, maybe we won't qualify for this program and won't be able to afford the cost of trying new things. BUT, even if we do qualify, there are NO guarantees that anything will work. BUT, am I really ready to handle the hormonal, emotional, physical roller coaster I may have to get on to achieve such a blessing? I have been painfully reminded of the experiences of the past in trying to conceive and I just worry that I don't have the emotional reserve in me to handle that again. Truth be told, I'm even scared of our consultation with our specialist this Friday. I am reminded of the fact that we can't help but have our hopes stretched higher when we are trying new things, but that also means our fall of disappointment is that much harder. Those were some of the hardest, lonliest, heartbreaking days I have ever had in my life, finding out that something we had tried failed yet again. I have experienced so many of those old emtions in the psat few weeks. I have been angry that it can't be easier for us. I have been scared of what the future holds in terms of what we will have to go through to have more children. And yet, I have also been peaceful when I think of all that has happened to us in the past few years, witnessing the miraculous hand of God working on our behalf. I have been humbled by the sacredness of families and how they come to be. I have been grateful that amidst all the heartache, we have been blessed beyond measure and look into the face of our daughter each and every day, knowing she is really ours. I have been stressed when I read over our packet from the clinic, explaining costs and procedures and tests and possible risks. I am realizing that with the excitement of these new possibilities also comes a myriad of other emotions that I had tucked away for a long time, but had never really left me. And now they resurface. And I'm finding that little pit in my stomach is still there and it still hurts a little bit.

The reality for us, however, is very optimistic, right? I mean, even if we don't qualify and can't explore these new options right now, even if we are never able to get pregnant, Kaiya is proof beyond doubt that we can still grow our family. And it's not like adoption doesn't have its' whole can of worms in and of itself! There are equally as many risks and concerns and emotional highs and lows in that realm as well for everyone involved. There really probably isn't any easy way for us. That is just our reality. BUT, I know without a doubt that there are more children to be in our family. I don't know how they will get here, but I know that the Lord does, and He will provide a way. He has done that for us already and I have faith in His plan for our family. So, whatever happens in the months to come, whatever decisions have to be made, whatever emotional or physical pain and stress is to be experienced, I know we will reap the blessings when we look into the eyes of our next child and it will all be worth it. The reminder of that is what will have to mute the fear I feel about the coming months. Focusing on the excitement of it all and not the stress, right?

So, there's a little peek. I'm sure there will be much more to come in the coming months, but I will make sure to document the journey. As our blog header says, "wherever life takes us"... Here we go!!