A mom for almost a year -- WHAT?!

I was reading a scripture passage today -- for some, a very familiar one. It is found in Ether 12:27 (Ether is a section in the Book of Mormon). "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."


I really started to think about this and how it applies to the experiences I have had this past year. As Kaiya approaches her first birthday in a few short weeks (all too fast I might add), I find myself thinking a lot about my role as her mother. I tend to be very critical (don't we all) about how well I am doing in this incredibly important role I have -- am I doing enough, am I doing too much, I can be better in this and that and this, etc., etc. I think self-evaluation is crucial in life for our own improvement, but I also think that if we evaluate WITH the Lord, He can show us not only the areas in which we can improve (and He will provide the necessary help, if we ask Him), but He can also show us how much we've grown, what weakness He has helped to turn into strengths, and help us recognize the good that we possess. I think He wants nothing more than to help us to grow and improve, but also to know of our worth and to not beat ourselves up over the little things. I feel that sentiment from Him a lot in my life, especially this past year, and I am grateful for it. The world can be hard enough on us as individuals with its' expectations and problems -- I think we don't always need to add to that by being so hard on ourselves. This is something I feel like I have to constantly work on because I could spend hours listing my many faults and weaknesses.


Some other thoughts I have had about being a mom:


Never before in my life have I had to learn to let go of control (obsessive cleaning, organizing, etc.) and yet be responsible for being so in control for someone else.


I have learned that my moods completely and totally effect Kaiya's. The value of a smile and a happy voice and cheerful mood work wonders for HER having a good day (and me too)!


I am learning to better understand limits -- mine and Kaiya's. I have learned to set limits for her and have realized that I am capable of going beyond what I think are my own limits.

Confidence. On a daily basis, I find new confidence by doing things I didn't think I could ever do, facing things I have never faced. On a daily basis, I am humbled and lose bits of that confidence as I learn through mistakes (thank goodness for the unconditional love of a child), and as I have to relearn what I thought I already knew (children change their minds every day, I swear)!

I have learned and am constantly having to remind myself of the importance of asking for help. Relying on others. This is sooo not easy for me, as I hate feeling like I am ever burdening someone else. My reliance has grown the most on my Heavenly Father, because there are things about being a mother that I could NEVER do alone! Secondly, WAY more reliance on Chris for sure, and he never lets me down. And on other mothers. I can't even count the amount of questions I have asked of my friends and family members -- what to do about poop, what to do about eating, what toys are good for this age, how to deal with this illness or that one, etc. How grateful I feel for the willing help of others and the ease I feel in asking for help because of how willing everyone has been!

I have intuition!! Who knew?! I have never seen this thing called intuition so evident in my life until I became a mom. I have always felt like I could logically come to conclusions or make decisions based on thinking them through. But it is quite amazing to me how often I can make such split-second decisions based on this gift of intuition that is given to moms (and dads). And that I can move forward based on those "feelings" and not second guess myself so much. I love that!


Finally, and most importantly, I have learned that love truly has no boundaries or limits. I always wondered what it would feel like -- the love of a mother for her child. I knew how incredible and special I felt because of my own mother's love for me, but I wondered how it would feel to be on the giving end of that kind of love. I knew that my love for Chris was beyond description and the love I felt for my family members was such a powerful influence in my life. But when Kaiya came into our family, I think I truly learned that love is endless and limitless. That I have room in my heart to love another person more than I thought was possible and yet, that love I feel for her does not diminish the love I have for Chris or for the rest of my family or friends. In fact, my love for Kaiya makes my love for all the other important people in my life grow even stronger. And in some indescribable way, at the end of the day when I am praying with Kaiya or singing her songs with her daddy, that love I feel for her cancels out all the difficulties that have come in being a new mom. In this way, I know that however many children the Lord decides we can have in our family, I will be able to love each and every one of them. You don't ever reach a threshold for loving others. In fact, the more people you have to love, the more love just seems to grow and grow in your heart. It's not something that you have to spread out or ration, but the more you have, the more there is.

I know I have so much more to learn. I seem to learn every single day -- about Kaiya, about myself, and about my relationships with others and with the Lord. Who knew that being a mother was more than just being a mother? It is another way for me to learn and grow and stretch. I feel so thankful for all that Kaiya has taught me and continues to teach me. I only hope I can return the favor to her in some small way! I love this girl more than I could ever say!!