A trip to the doctor and some thoughts...
Today I went to a new doctor that was recommended by Ash and I have to say that I LOVE him! I have never been so impressed by a doctor -- he sat and talked to me for about 45 minutes and was so completely UN-rushed the whole time! Now that is a rarity! Anyway, as we were talking, I mentioned how we had just adopted Kaiya and he very excitedly told me how his 3 kids were also adopted! (Adoption seems to shrink the world, I'm finding!) It was so fun to discuss our experiences with adoption, but also to talk about infertility. He knows a lot from personal experience, but also from medical experience, and I'm very excited because he is going to do some tests that I have not had done previously to try and help a little bit with our mysterious infertility. And to be able to have a doctor who is so much more sensitive to our issues because of his own experience is very comforting to me!
Anyway, as I was driving home today, feeling very good about this wonderful new doctor that I think will be our family doctor until we die (yes, he's THAT good), my mind started to wander and I became wrapped up in thoughts on adoption (something that happens pretty much on a daily basis for me). Today, I was thinking about how special and meaningful adoption is to so many people. It's a miracle, to say the least. I was thinking how strange it is that nearly everyone I meet has an adoption story of their own and how remarkable and special that is. I have so enjoyed reading blogs and meeting people who have their own special story, and also have enjoyed sharing my story with others as well. Just the other day a friend at work was telling me how she really wanted me to talk to one of her friends and share my adoption story with her because she can't have children, but feels very hesitant about adopting. I was (and always am) so happy to share the wonderful and amazing experience we have had with others. On the flip side of those emotions, though, I sometimes have a battle within my head about letting adoption define me or Chris, but most importantly, Kaiya. As much as I feel it is so important to talk about our experiences because they have been sooo positive and special, I also sometimes feel a need to reserve some of that sharing because it is so sacred and so special. I worry that my excitement to talk about it might diminish some of those most sacred feelings and experiences. I truly feel that some things are meant to be kept in the heart where they can remain sacred and not be tainted by people's perceptions or interpretations. I also worry sometimes that adoption has become the defining aspect of our lives. I'm hoping I can express this properly without offending anyone, and I may not be able to, but I'm going to try. I have met people, who, the first thing that comes out of their mouths is their adoption story. And maybe I have even been that person on occasion. Or I have read blogs and adoption seems to be the only thing that they ever write about or talk about. And maybe I have even been that person on occasion. And I am the last person on the planet that would ever be judgemental about that. But in thinking about things today, I am feeling that adoption is not something to be defined by, but more importantly to me, something that has immensely enriched our lives and given us invaluable experience and has taught us so much. Adoption has CHANGED our lives, but is not all that our lives are. Does that make any sense? This pertains to Chris and I most definitely. I don't want to be known amongst friends and acquaintences as the friends who have adopted, or the sibling who could not have biological children. But more importantly, I don't want Kaiya to ever be defined by her being adopted. If we have biological children in the future, I would NEVER want her to be known as the "adopted" child. Or to have her be treated differently because people know her story. And although her being adopted makes her so special, it is not who she is or all she is. I guess what I'm getting at, in way too many words, is that she feels so completely and totally part of our family, that the fact that she is adopted is merely a tiny piece of our family puzzle. It's a hard balance for me to want to have such reverence and gratitude for the miracle of adoption, but to not let adoption become who we are or who Kaiya is. I understand and realize that every single person involved in the adoption world has to come to terms with what adoption means to them and the place it has in their lives and hearts. I guess today I am trying to figure out that balance and worrying that it will be the right balance for Kaiya's life. I just know that our experience in having Kaiya come into our family fills up every corner of my heart and that maybe that is where some of those emotions and feelings need to stay. I want my daughter's life to be blessed and enriched by her story, but not defined by it. She is special because she is special, not just because her arrival into our family was unique or special.
Ok, maybe that made no sense at all, but those are the thoughts I am having today. Thoughts that were sparked because of a really great doctor! Hopefully I am not hitting any really sensitive nerves with anyone, but I just wanted to share some of those feelings!
Anyway, as I was driving home today, feeling very good about this wonderful new doctor that I think will be our family doctor until we die (yes, he's THAT good), my mind started to wander and I became wrapped up in thoughts on adoption (something that happens pretty much on a daily basis for me). Today, I was thinking about how special and meaningful adoption is to so many people. It's a miracle, to say the least. I was thinking how strange it is that nearly everyone I meet has an adoption story of their own and how remarkable and special that is. I have so enjoyed reading blogs and meeting people who have their own special story, and also have enjoyed sharing my story with others as well. Just the other day a friend at work was telling me how she really wanted me to talk to one of her friends and share my adoption story with her because she can't have children, but feels very hesitant about adopting. I was (and always am) so happy to share the wonderful and amazing experience we have had with others. On the flip side of those emotions, though, I sometimes have a battle within my head about letting adoption define me or Chris, but most importantly, Kaiya. As much as I feel it is so important to talk about our experiences because they have been sooo positive and special, I also sometimes feel a need to reserve some of that sharing because it is so sacred and so special. I worry that my excitement to talk about it might diminish some of those most sacred feelings and experiences. I truly feel that some things are meant to be kept in the heart where they can remain sacred and not be tainted by people's perceptions or interpretations. I also worry sometimes that adoption has become the defining aspect of our lives. I'm hoping I can express this properly without offending anyone, and I may not be able to, but I'm going to try. I have met people, who, the first thing that comes out of their mouths is their adoption story. And maybe I have even been that person on occasion. Or I have read blogs and adoption seems to be the only thing that they ever write about or talk about. And maybe I have even been that person on occasion. And I am the last person on the planet that would ever be judgemental about that. But in thinking about things today, I am feeling that adoption is not something to be defined by, but more importantly to me, something that has immensely enriched our lives and given us invaluable experience and has taught us so much. Adoption has CHANGED our lives, but is not all that our lives are. Does that make any sense? This pertains to Chris and I most definitely. I don't want to be known amongst friends and acquaintences as the friends who have adopted, or the sibling who could not have biological children. But more importantly, I don't want Kaiya to ever be defined by her being adopted. If we have biological children in the future, I would NEVER want her to be known as the "adopted" child. Or to have her be treated differently because people know her story. And although her being adopted makes her so special, it is not who she is or all she is. I guess what I'm getting at, in way too many words, is that she feels so completely and totally part of our family, that the fact that she is adopted is merely a tiny piece of our family puzzle. It's a hard balance for me to want to have such reverence and gratitude for the miracle of adoption, but to not let adoption become who we are or who Kaiya is. I understand and realize that every single person involved in the adoption world has to come to terms with what adoption means to them and the place it has in their lives and hearts. I guess today I am trying to figure out that balance and worrying that it will be the right balance for Kaiya's life. I just know that our experience in having Kaiya come into our family fills up every corner of my heart and that maybe that is where some of those emotions and feelings need to stay. I want my daughter's life to be blessed and enriched by her story, but not defined by it. She is special because she is special, not just because her arrival into our family was unique or special.
Ok, maybe that made no sense at all, but those are the thoughts I am having today. Thoughts that were sparked because of a really great doctor! Hopefully I am not hitting any really sensitive nerves with anyone, but I just wanted to share some of those feelings!
posted by Chris Grover at 2:04 PM
17 Comments:
Karli,
I understand exactly what you are talking about. I feel the same way about Calli. I do want to tell you about the girl we blessed today by sharing our story. We were at the mall picking out a gift for Alyson & Carly. I happened to mention who we were buying these items for and she shared with us that she is a birth mom. Her little Gracie is 8 months old now and she no longer has the blessing of an open adoption. The family she chose went back on there word. She was very blessed to find out that we still had a relationship with Carly. I just realized that we have been given a wonderful gift and the spirit helps us know who we can share this joy with. I don't believe that our story is for everyone but I know its for some. Don't worry though I would never want anyone to think less of my litte angel because she is adopted. But, there is no denying that she is special because of it AND because of who she is. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
i am happy you found a great doctor, it makes a big difference. that is great he is able to relate with chris and yourself and maybe be able to help you guys.
baby kaiya is special for so many reasons, we are so blessed to have her in our family. i could snuggle that girl all day:)
I have known you for a bit now, so I will tell you a smidge of my story. Mine is a bit different because I was adopted only by my father. My mom got pregnant very young with me and the man who would be my donor, took off. My dad lived across the street from her and fell in love with her and I. I was two when he adopted me and I have been grateful beyond words, ever since. I tell you this, a different experience that it is, just to say that never once have I felt defined by this great event in my life. My dad, his side of the family, no one has ever made me feel less of a daughter, niece, cousin, etc. They have all known this fact as I have grown up, but I am Mike's daughter and that is that. Even after my parents divorced when I was 13, I have never felt less of a daughter or relative in his family. It is wonderful. I have younger siblings as well, they never call me half-sister, or anything. I am their sister, and that is that.
I am so thankful for adoption and for the joy it brings to people's lives, my mom was adopted as well. Crazy isn't it! Everyone has a story.
I know what you mean by the feelings you are having. It's hard not to worry, but everything works out. I believe that whole heartedly. You are wonderful parents and she will grow to know what a great opportunity at life you were both given.
You are exactly right Karli, Adoption touches everyone somewhere down the line. I believe it was La Yen who told me something along the lines of, "our children were always meant to be our children no matter which way they came to us. Families are foreordained in the pre-existence".
Kaiya is as much your biological child as is the next one if you hold to this way of thinking.
The more we have struggled with our own fertility issues the more adoption has been present in my heart and mind. Your story has done so much for me and I can't thank you enough for sharing it. Adoption doesn't define you, but it is definitely a part of you and always will be. I think Kaiya knows she was meant for your family, and I think she has an amazing future ahead of her with such great parents behind her.
Kar, thanks for sharing your thoughts. It all totally makes sense what you are saying. You and Chris are such amazing parents, I don't think kaiya will ever feel defined by her adoption. It will always be part of her for sure, but there are so many other wonderful things that will become her as well. Your concern shows your love for her and it's so sweet to see.
I'm thrilled that you love doc as much as I do... He's a keeper for sure!
karli, I hope there isn't a space limit on this =) Put down what you feel and never apologize for it. It was funny this weekend when Alyson and I were eating dinner with Mike and Elisa. The waitress came up and said to Alyson what a cute sister you have and asked Elisa how old Calli was. We all laughed as she walked away. Sometimes it feels so weird to walk around and have nobody know what makes me different yet at the same time I am greatful that they don't know what makes me "different". I feel SO honored to be Callis birth mom . By no means would I ever feel any different. I don't want it to loose its sacred feeling and become a statement like "jamies sister" or just another title. I love the post that the R house has how that adoptee put that she doesn't remember being told that she was adopted.That she has always known that. I think that is wonderful. Kaiya will always be a part of your family no matter what. She just came to your family by a different shipper =) so to speak. There are days where I want to tell the world about my experience yet I don't want to tell anyone cause I am afraid it won't have the same affect as it has had on me. I agree with Elisa. The spirit will always help us decide who to share certain things with. It isn't for everyone. Not that it won't be special down the road and that you won't want to share it but also being so new it is going to be talked about a lot more. Kaiya is such a special spirit with so much love. That love is going to carry her through so many things in life. Because she will be loved just as much as any other child that comes into your home, she won't feel any different. How exciting to find a new doctor and to have someone that understands BOTH sides. Thank you for your thoughts. They are felt from both sides of this sacred experience.
You always have such a beautiful way saying things!
I need to talk to you about this doctor. I need to find a good one since ours isn't on our new insurance list.
wow Karli, you really do know how to hit the nail on the head. we are at the beginning of our adoption process but I think that you bring up key points. I imagine that these feelings are some of the same feelings that come up with infertility. Sometimes I can talk about all the aspects of infertility until I am blue in the face and other days I keep those feelings close to my chest for safe keeping letting them come out when I feel necessary. I think it is natural thing that may change and evolve and change back. But regardless your family is the way Heavenly Father meant it to be. Adoption in no way defines you but refines you! Its a beautiful polish to a beautiful family!
interesting post. it made me think.
i love what elisa said, "But, there is no denying that she is special because of it AND because of who she is."
adoption is a part of my son's amazing story. it is also a huge part of mine. it doesn't define who i am--i do have other hobbies, interests and talents although this one is on my mind the most now, but has enahnced parts of me that i didn't know existed. that goes for sterility too. thank heavens for adoption and sterility who have helped shape me into the person i am. i will always be grateful to them. just like i am for my mission.
it seems recently that i have been bombarded with negativily about adoption. one side of me feels that if we don't talk about the miracle of it all, who will?
the other side of me feels like mary who "kept all these things and pondered them in her heart."
on a lighter note, i hope that people DO look at us as the family that adopted, if not they will have some serious things to wonder about me since our son is half black and mr. r and i are both white. it just occured to me that if they look at my family and the first thing that comes to their mind is NOT adoption, they might think, "whoa, that lady clearly cheated on her husband." kind of freaky, but i am up for it.
mu husband and i were just talking about this on friday. right now it is such a great way to help people understand adoption and do some outreach for all of our friends who are still looking for their babies. and that is fine for now, as we speak for tyson. but, it won't always be like that. when tyson starts to participate in conversation, we will let him bring it up if he wants to.
it seems that i get asked 10+ times a day "where is he from?" since he does not look like me at all. now i explain to them that he is adopted and answer questions, pointing people to itsaboutlove. but, soon i will just start saying "maryland" and if tyson wants to jump in and tell them he's adopted he can.
there is a balance to be had. i will most likely we involved with FSA and education, legislation and outreach, etc. that does not mean that tyson has to. tyson does not have to be, but i will teach him that part of his unique heritage (in addition to be half ukranian and african american and an east coaster) is that he is adopted and it was/is truly a miracle.
i want him to be proud of it, to know that i am proud of it and not ashamed to talk about it to anyone. it is my fear that by not talking about it and keeping it in, that it will cast a twinge of "adoption is not okay" in his mind ...and the mind of others.
it is something we think about at the r house as well. and it is something that needs to be planned out as adoptive parents (even more so if you have a transracial family.)
in addition, i also feel like it is my job to give him the proper positive language to talk about his miraculous start of life.
anyway. interesting post. i think (like has already been mentioned) that you listen to the Spirit. He knows more than us anyway.
I just love your story! Adoption is just a part of who you are. Kaiya fits perfectly in your family. There's an undescriable love that connects you with your children. I know you feel that with Kaiya and she feels that with you. She's a lucky little girl to have a mom & dad who love her so much.
I'm glad that you found a doctor you like. It's nice when you find a keeper. He sounds like a great guy.
Karli,
Like many have said you are amazing with words...these are thoughts that Josh and I frequently experience as we prepare to adopt in the next couple of weeks.
Thanks for your thoughts!
I am the mother of a very sweet, very busy, brown-eyed little girl. She became part of our family, through adoption, two years ago.
Those first few months of her life I wanted to share with everyone about our adoption journey, our wonderful birthmother, ect. I found myself immediately telling people...even strangers...about how my daughter was adopted.
As the months went by I became more reserved in how I talked about my daughter's adoption.
First and foremost Bella is my child, but it's not just because she is adopted. I truly believe that she was part of our family long before we ever came to this earth.
My daughter's story is unique, and it is sacred. I have to rely on the spirit to help me know what part's of her story I should share.
There are many questions and concerns that arise with being a parent...and then there are questions and concerns, some of which are a little harder to answer, that arise with being an adoptive parent.
How you choose to share your story will be what is best for your family, and your sweet, absolutly beautiful(if I might add)little girl.
Karli,
I never feel like I have the "right" to say anything when it comes to your adoption story because I don't know or even fully understand what you've had to go through to get to the point that you are right now. I do understand, though, how it feels to be a mother & I'm so thankful that Heavenly Father has blessed you and Chris with Jessika & Kaiya & that He has given you the amazing opportunity it is to be a woman and a mother in these latter-days. We have such a special mission & even though Kaiya may not have your "DNA," she has a piece of your heart & you will continue to have a piece of hers as the years go by.
I truly believe that adoptive mothers are some of the more special women out there - and probably make the better mothers because they've had to wait longer and possibly have more faith and trust in Father in Heaven than some of those who take things for granted.
I'm glad that you were able to find a great doctor and I hope that you're able to get some answers that you've been looking for.
Karli, you are so eloquent with how you express your feelings. You make complete sense. You are very clear and very kind about what you are saying. I can't imagine someone being offended by these important words. I admire you for being so willing to open up like this. Becoming a mom is a huge deal. Suddenly loads of people have opinions about EVERYTHING. Sometimes people are completely tactless with their views and do a lot of damage without even realizing it. I think they forget sometimes that "in the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can't see". We all collect personal experiences that are sacred and priceless, and we don't do any good by minimizing someone else's experiences by saying it should be "this way" or "that way". It should by the way that is right for each of us. I find my own groove with the help and examples of family and true friends. I have always loved you because you are open to everyone's story, and you celebrate each one. Thanks for sharing dude.
I've heard Tiff talk about similar feelings about adoption. It totally makes sense.
I have to believe it will, over time, feel like less and less of a defining thing. (Not the importance of it at all). I think over the past few months (really not even 4 months) there are so many people who want to "catch up" on your experience or understand your experience or in some small way be a PART of your experience vicariously....so its been talked about over and over and over, almost as though there may be nothing else to ever talk about again! And its hard because to each of these people, its their first time talking about it with you, and for you its the 1 millionth time! :-)
Basically, what I'm trying to say is that Kaiya is on the brink of some major changes. The crawling, the eating, the walking, the talking....and those things will make it so we don't just talk ABOUT her, but TO her and WITH her and get to really KNOW her. And THEN her being adopted will no longer feel as a DEFINING thing, but special experience. I can relate with Jordyn somewhat. At first, her preemie stats, story and lingering effects were ALL that were talked about. Now that she is just JORDYN through and through, it is a sacred and special challenge/blessing we had, but it is NOT what defines her.
OK. Love you Kar! Hope I made an ounce of sense!
Karli,
You are amazing. I love reading your posts. You speak from the heart. Every person has experiences that "define" them - in the sense that they belong to a group of people that have experienced the same thing such as: adoption, divorce, physical deformities, mental illness, mental retardation, addiction, alcoholism, religious affiliation, etc. etc. Pretty much things are out of the "norm" (whatever THAT is). Get my drift? These things, or challenges, or experiences are part of who we are and when they are actually happening they are HUGE, and then we learn that it doesn't define who we are, but is certainly a part of who we are. If I take a look back at the events of my life I have either personally experienced or been touched by, or someone very close to me has been touched by:
Adoption
Divorce
Placing a baby for adoption
Alcoholism
Addiction
Religious prejudice
Genetic deformities
Suicide
Mental Retardation
Diabetes
Physical abuse
Sexual abuse
Mental abuse
Dishonesty
Death of a child
Early death of a spouse
Agent Orange
War Veteran
Sent home from a mission
Child out of wedlock
Single parent
Betrayal of trust
Pornography
Organ transplant
Joint replacements
House burning down
Loss of limb
And more things that I can't think of right now that are not considered "normal." Each of these things is HUGE! I could probably write a book about all this stuff! And each of us is not defined by these experiences, but the experiences have helped us define who we really are. And we are each amazing in our own right for going through and surviving these experiences, for learning and growing, for the way we handle adversity and joy and return thanks to God for our very lives. Men are that they might have joy, and some of us have to learn about joy by going through sorrow or hard things of some sort. That is the purpose of our lives - to learn from our various experiences. And the most important thing of all: to SHARE these experiences with one another (at times when the spirit dictates), to bear one another's burdens (how can we bear them if we don't share them?) and the celebrate our victories together. Heavenly Father's plan is amazing. I am so glad he touched my life by letting me know you and your family.
KAr, my email address is cmugleston@comcast.net.
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