Hold on Tight, Here We Go!!

Well, this is just odd for me. I feel like I am announcing that I'm pregnant, which I'm not. But in a way, it feels that way! I have been hesitant to make much of an announcement about this, well, because it's still sinking in and it's still so new and early. Chris and I have done A LOT of soul-searching, talking, praying, thinking and worrying over the last few weeks (well, for a long time, actually) and finally decided this last weekend that we are going to move forward with adoption!!! It induces major butterflies to my stomach to even be writing this! The good kind of butterflies, though! And nervous ones too!

We called LDS Family Services a few days ago and spoke with the agency a little bit. They are sending us out a HUGE packet, that apparently will answer many of the millions of initial questions about all of this that we have, so I feel like I will know so much more once we get that. At this point, I feel like I've been going through the week with my eyes wide open, just trying to take in every bit of information that I come across. We have a meeting next week for a few hours, which will continue to answer questions and give us much needed information. From there, I'm not quite sure how things will happen, how it all progresses, etc.

But every time I think about this, which has been pretty much every other minute every day, I get so emotional and happy and excited and nervous and scared and excited (did I already say that?!). It has been hard for me to force myself to try and not feel too much because the logical and realistic part of me (too much practicality seems to be my weakness sometimes) tells me that just because we have made the decision to move forward certainly DOES NOT mean that this is going to happen quickly. I have heard every scenerio under the sun -- a couple signed up for adoption and within two days were picked for a child, a couple signed up for adoption and after 3 years is still waiting, a couple signed up for adoption and then got pregnant, etc, etc, etc. There is just no possible prediction kit that can be used in this situation. So, I have to balance the excitement with reality and constantly remind myself that it is possible that this could take a long time. But then I think, I am going to let myself be excited. Why not be excited about such a huge step in our lives, that will ultimately CHANGE our lives?! Just embrace these feelings and emotions as they come and remember this journey we are starting on. I know there will inevitably be frustration as well as joys, as there have been over the last 3 1/2 years that we have waited and wanted to grow our family. And that is the beauty of life and all of its' big and small moments and experiences. At this particular moment of the journey, I'm going to go ahead and be THRILLED and anything else that my emotions cause me to feel!

I feel like I need to take a minute to express my love to Chris. Until you go through something really difficult with someone you love, I don't think you realize just how deep your love is. We have heard of many people in similar situations to ours who have seen a serious toll taken on their marriages to the point of breaking. This has just not been the case for us. I say this, not in pride, but in complete and total humility and gratitude. This trial has been a blessing in so many ways, but most importantly, a blessing to our marriage. One thing I have said and felt over and over again through this difficult challenge that we have faced, is that one of its' most obvious fruits has been the unbreakable, deep connection and bond that has solidified between Chris and I. We have loved each other and supported each other through the hardest moments and as a result (and maybe we didn't always realize that it was happening) we have had the opportunity early on in our marriage to create this foundation that is so solid and so strong. We have become even better than the best of friends when it seemed that we were already the best of friends when we first got married. We have truly learned what it means to lift one another up when one or both of us has felt trapped in discouragement. Chris has this gift of being able to make me laugh my head off, even when my heart is hurting the most. He has let me cry (and cry and cry and cry) when that's what I needed. He has even patiently endured the off-the-charts mood swings that all of the fertility medication (I call them the "beast pills") threw me on -- and trust me, that had to have been difficult!! His has been the constant voice of encouragement, motivation, reason, strength and hope through this and every other thing that has come about in our 4 years together. He is the most special, unique, genuinely GOOD person I have ever known, and I don't think I would have appreciated this nearly as much had we not gone through this trial together. Throughout it all, I have always maintained that I already got the BEST thing that could have ever been given to me in marrying him and that anything else that comes will just be a bonus. And to have a family with this man that I love will be a HUGE bonus! I can't even begin to express enough gratitude and love to Chris. And now, I look forward. I look forward to this new journey and to the years ahead of having our dreams come true together, just as my dream has already come true in finding such a perfect and wonderful husband. Chris, I love you more than you could ever know. Thank you for carrying me through everything!

Well, I now will close my novel! Sorry, this is just a culmination of so many emotions and feelings. I feel like it's time to just hold on tight and get ready for this ride! And I'm excited!