Thinking and writing
I have been so bottled up lately and have not had the time to sit down and write it out! That's what usually works best for me (other than talking to Chris for hours about all that is swimming in around in my head, thank goodness he's a good listener!), working through my thoughts by writing. It is so therapeutic for me! Sometimes all these thoughts don't make much sense and it's a jumbled collection of "huh?", but it does free up some space in my brain to get it out! This is probably going to be a bit long, but I'll be happy that I recorded it.
Would you believe that when Taylor was the age that Avery is now, I was pregnant again?! And let me be clear, this is not an announcement! We are taking a little breather, trying to figure out what is right for our family next! Some days I think for sure I want another little one to complete our picture. Other days, I feel relieved that we are staying put for the moment. Our kids are all still so young and I think I need a little time to make sure I am doing what feels right for us. Everyone always asks first, if we want more, and second (without fail) if we are going to try for a boy. As if we can magically be in charge of that! No, we will NOT be having another child for the purpose of trying for a boy. That is NOT a reason to have another child! I can say, with complete honesty, if we were to have another child, we would not care one bit about the sex. Sure it would be fun to have a boy and see what that is like. But how could I ever say that I would prefer a boy when I am so madly in love with my three girls?! Either way, as long as they were healthy and happy, I would be so ok.
On the subject, one of the major things effecting our choice about more children at this time is a little something called Grave's Disease that I was diagnosed with back in April of last year. It's an auto immune disease that basically totally screws up the thyroid, which then in turn, totally screws up everything else! Do you know how much your thyroid effects in your body?! I didn't until this came along! Hormones, temperature regulation, energy, etc, etc, etc! Thankfully, and I really mean that, there is nothing life threatening about it. But it is something that cannot be cured and I will always have it. For most people, Grave's causes major anxiety, accelerated heart rate, insomnia, sometimes bulging eyes (I know, crazy, huh?!), and fatigue. Luckily, I have not experienced any of those things except for the fatigue. My doctor is always surprised when he checks my heart rate and it's so normal. He says I'm sort-of an interesting case since my blood work shows that I definitely have Grave's, but my symptoms are not very typical. For me, my symptoms started with extreme muscle fatigue and exhaustion. It came on when Avery was just 3 months old and I had a serious panic attack because I thought it felt like the beginnings of pregnancy and I was DYING! I couldn't work out for more than 5 minutes at a time. I couldn't squat down and get myself back up without holding onto something. I couldn't lift my kids very easily. I also had horrible heat intolerance which made for a pretty miserable summer last year! Whenever I would get the least bit hot, I would get really nauseous and light headed. I lost about 15 pounds and just had no energy at all. I just didn't feel well is the best way I could describe it. When I was finally diagnosed, I was so happy to know that there was indeed something wrong and that I wasn't going crazy! But I was also really bummed about it. It's not easy to find out that you have something that will effect you for the rest of your life. I wasn't really ready for it and I was in denial for awhile. I finally started on some medication that, after a few months of experiencing some depression and weight gain and other side effects, started to get my lab numbers back in balance and helped me to start feeling a bit better. It has been a roller coaster of symptoms since then. Every month seems to bring some new weird reaction that I have to get used to. I have to get my blood tested every month or two to see if they need to readjust the meds. My hair falls out like crazy. I'm still really effected by heat. I have to battle the lack of energy I often feel to exercise every day because the medication has really effected my ability to control my weight gain. So, of course, those things have been really hard. But thankfully, at the current time, my numbers have all returned to normal range. AND, I am so thankful that it is a disease that is manageable, that allows me the freedom (for the most part) to continue my life very normally. I am so incredibly grateful for my husband. Honestly, he has been sent to the proving grounds. There have been many times that he has had to step in and totally take over because I feel so sick, especially in the beginning. And I tell ya, the guy has never, ever, ever complained. Not even once. He has been a rock when I have been in tears of frustration or had moods that nobody should have to deal with. He goes to the doctor with me and is always the one asking questions so that he can understand exactly what our options are and what to expect. He gives such an abundance of love and support so that I never feel like a burden to him. It has been an experience that I will always treasure and hold dear in my heart to see how he has handled all of this. I am so grateful for him and love him more and more every single day. What a stud!! So, as a result of the meds that I have to take to control the Grave's Disease, I cannot get pregnant while I'm on them for risk of birth defects that they may cause. My options are to not have any more children and continue on with my meds. Which has caused us to seriously contemplate adopting again, which I would LOVE to experience again if that is in the plans for us. I've always hoped that maybe we could try and adopt again and would feel totally grateful if that was what we felt was right. But I think I would also be terribly sad to not experience pregnancy again too. So, if I want to try pregnancy, I would have to either do radiation to kill my thyroid or have it surgically removed. Bye bye thyroid, hello Hypothyroidism for the rest of my life. Yes, with no thyroid, I would have to be on medication for the rest of my life because I would be hypothyroid. Which would not be the worst thing in the world, once they got me on a good dosage. Sooo, that is where we are at for the moment. Trying to decide the best form of treatment, what the right thing is for the future of our family, etc. I don't feel in any rush to make any decisions at the moment. I am content to just think about it for awhile.
If I'm going to really get my thoughts out here and be honest, I will say that this past year has been so hard. It has sucked to deal with this. It's one of those things that nobody can really do anything about, so I don't really talk about it. But it has been really hard. It has been a constant struggle to maintain my responsibilities as a mom to these girls who physically need so much of me when most days I haven't felt well. It has been hard to have such a desire to exercise and be active the way I used to be and then realize that I just can't. It has been frustrating to battle emotions and moods that I can't always seem to balance and reconcile or understand. But I also have seen such huge blessings come from this too. I have come to understand my reliance on my Heavenly Father so much more. I have come to rely on the power of prayer, if for no other reason, than to just feel comfort on the hard days. I have come to appreciate my spouse in a way I never would have been able to. And I have a better appreciation for health and the importance of taking care of our bodies and not taking for granted all that we can do with them. With the trials of life, there are always great blessings and great moments of realization and perspective that come as well.
Ok, on to some other thoughts.
I have been feeling extra grateful lately for my friends. I have been so blessed throughout my life, in every phase, in every place I've lived or been, to have collected a treasure chest full of amazing friends. It seems like certain people have been placed on my path at certain times that have been just what I needed. I am thankful for the phone calls, for the efforts made to get together, even though life is busy, for friends old and new. And I'm especially thankful for the friends I have that no matter where we are or how long it has been, within 2 seconds of talking to each other, it is like no time or distance has passed. I have a friend right now who literally calls me or stops by almost on a daily basis, just to see how I'm doing and how things are going. She knows I really need that right now, and she has been genuine and sincere and THERE. It seems like I have always been blessed with those kinds of friendships and I treasure them. It makes me want to be a better friend to those that I love so much and to never take for granted the blessing of friends. I believe we, as women, have the power to bless and help and nurture not just our families, but each other, and that is a gift that I have been the recipient of so many times. I am thankful for my friends!
Does anyone else have a love/hate relationship with all the social media outlets these days? I have never gotten into Facebook or Twitter. I am soooo behind there. My kids are going to think that I am incredibly ancient. In fact, I've never even created an account, I just attached my name to Chris' account a few years ago. There is nothing at all wrong with those outlets. But for me, I just can't justify the time. And I don't get anything out of the time spent. I have stuck to my blog because I have found purpose in that, in terms of having a journal for our family to refer back to. But for my own personal self, I haven't found much of a purpose for the time required to get into FB or Twitter. Again, nothing wrong with them at all, just feel like I don't have the time to spare for so many places to connect. I have felt that way about Pinterest too. I absolutely LOVE the site and have gotten so many good recipes and ideas. I was a looker long before I joined so I have been a fan for a long time. But again, I sometimes wonder if the time I spend browsing is worth it! I have thought about whether it really fosters and encourages my creativity or if it sometimes kills it. I don't necessarily love the idea of just getting on and copying other people's ideas. Who wants to just be a big copycat, ya know? I guess for me, I can balance the best of both worlds by getting inspiration on things, but then using my own creativity to make it my own. I just would hate to get to the point where I'm spending all my time looking at other people's creativity, but never spending any time exploring my own. Just some random thoughts on that.
And finally, some of my thoughts lately on life in general. I feel like every time I get the least bit comfortable, change is inevitable. I can't say I am the best with change. I'm sort of a creature of habit and get attached to things really easily, so that when it comes time for life to be turned upside down, I'm not always a willing participant. Heavenly Father must get frustrated with me sometimes because HE knows that the change will be for my good, but I fight it tooth and nail. I guess it's a lesson in faith and trust that I constantly have to learn. We are in the midst of a lot of change and chaos right now. I feel very unsettled and uncertain and those are not fun feelings to have. I am trying so hard to learn the lessons that need to be learned during this time in our lives. I have already seen incredible blessings come from the changes that I dig my heels in to resist. Thank goodness for a loving Heavenly Father, who, if we let Him, can guide and direct our lives to paths that we may not have chosen for ourselves, but that will be better for us in the long run. I'm really trying hard to have that perspective. I feel a little lost and worried and stressed at the moment, but I know that great things are coming and that it will all make sense at some point. I guess that's the way life is. We cannot control everything that comes our way, but we can try our best to exercise faith and find hope in even the unknown future that is before us. More to come on all of this when I have more figured out! It's all too confusing at the moment! But MOST importantly, the things that matter most in my life are firmly planted and unchanging -- my family, my relationship with my Heavenly Father. Those are the things that keep my feet and my heart on stable ground when everything else is seems to be spinning!
Ahhh, that feels better. What a release to let out some of those thoughts that endlessly swim around in my head!
Would you believe that when Taylor was the age that Avery is now, I was pregnant again?! And let me be clear, this is not an announcement! We are taking a little breather, trying to figure out what is right for our family next! Some days I think for sure I want another little one to complete our picture. Other days, I feel relieved that we are staying put for the moment. Our kids are all still so young and I think I need a little time to make sure I am doing what feels right for us. Everyone always asks first, if we want more, and second (without fail) if we are going to try for a boy. As if we can magically be in charge of that! No, we will NOT be having another child for the purpose of trying for a boy. That is NOT a reason to have another child! I can say, with complete honesty, if we were to have another child, we would not care one bit about the sex. Sure it would be fun to have a boy and see what that is like. But how could I ever say that I would prefer a boy when I am so madly in love with my three girls?! Either way, as long as they were healthy and happy, I would be so ok.
On the subject, one of the major things effecting our choice about more children at this time is a little something called Grave's Disease that I was diagnosed with back in April of last year. It's an auto immune disease that basically totally screws up the thyroid, which then in turn, totally screws up everything else! Do you know how much your thyroid effects in your body?! I didn't until this came along! Hormones, temperature regulation, energy, etc, etc, etc! Thankfully, and I really mean that, there is nothing life threatening about it. But it is something that cannot be cured and I will always have it. For most people, Grave's causes major anxiety, accelerated heart rate, insomnia, sometimes bulging eyes (I know, crazy, huh?!), and fatigue. Luckily, I have not experienced any of those things except for the fatigue. My doctor is always surprised when he checks my heart rate and it's so normal. He says I'm sort-of an interesting case since my blood work shows that I definitely have Grave's, but my symptoms are not very typical. For me, my symptoms started with extreme muscle fatigue and exhaustion. It came on when Avery was just 3 months old and I had a serious panic attack because I thought it felt like the beginnings of pregnancy and I was DYING! I couldn't work out for more than 5 minutes at a time. I couldn't squat down and get myself back up without holding onto something. I couldn't lift my kids very easily. I also had horrible heat intolerance which made for a pretty miserable summer last year! Whenever I would get the least bit hot, I would get really nauseous and light headed. I lost about 15 pounds and just had no energy at all. I just didn't feel well is the best way I could describe it. When I was finally diagnosed, I was so happy to know that there was indeed something wrong and that I wasn't going crazy! But I was also really bummed about it. It's not easy to find out that you have something that will effect you for the rest of your life. I wasn't really ready for it and I was in denial for awhile. I finally started on some medication that, after a few months of experiencing some depression and weight gain and other side effects, started to get my lab numbers back in balance and helped me to start feeling a bit better. It has been a roller coaster of symptoms since then. Every month seems to bring some new weird reaction that I have to get used to. I have to get my blood tested every month or two to see if they need to readjust the meds. My hair falls out like crazy. I'm still really effected by heat. I have to battle the lack of energy I often feel to exercise every day because the medication has really effected my ability to control my weight gain. So, of course, those things have been really hard. But thankfully, at the current time, my numbers have all returned to normal range. AND, I am so thankful that it is a disease that is manageable, that allows me the freedom (for the most part) to continue my life very normally. I am so incredibly grateful for my husband. Honestly, he has been sent to the proving grounds. There have been many times that he has had to step in and totally take over because I feel so sick, especially in the beginning. And I tell ya, the guy has never, ever, ever complained. Not even once. He has been a rock when I have been in tears of frustration or had moods that nobody should have to deal with. He goes to the doctor with me and is always the one asking questions so that he can understand exactly what our options are and what to expect. He gives such an abundance of love and support so that I never feel like a burden to him. It has been an experience that I will always treasure and hold dear in my heart to see how he has handled all of this. I am so grateful for him and love him more and more every single day. What a stud!! So, as a result of the meds that I have to take to control the Grave's Disease, I cannot get pregnant while I'm on them for risk of birth defects that they may cause. My options are to not have any more children and continue on with my meds. Which has caused us to seriously contemplate adopting again, which I would LOVE to experience again if that is in the plans for us. I've always hoped that maybe we could try and adopt again and would feel totally grateful if that was what we felt was right. But I think I would also be terribly sad to not experience pregnancy again too. So, if I want to try pregnancy, I would have to either do radiation to kill my thyroid or have it surgically removed. Bye bye thyroid, hello Hypothyroidism for the rest of my life. Yes, with no thyroid, I would have to be on medication for the rest of my life because I would be hypothyroid. Which would not be the worst thing in the world, once they got me on a good dosage. Sooo, that is where we are at for the moment. Trying to decide the best form of treatment, what the right thing is for the future of our family, etc. I don't feel in any rush to make any decisions at the moment. I am content to just think about it for awhile.
If I'm going to really get my thoughts out here and be honest, I will say that this past year has been so hard. It has sucked to deal with this. It's one of those things that nobody can really do anything about, so I don't really talk about it. But it has been really hard. It has been a constant struggle to maintain my responsibilities as a mom to these girls who physically need so much of me when most days I haven't felt well. It has been hard to have such a desire to exercise and be active the way I used to be and then realize that I just can't. It has been frustrating to battle emotions and moods that I can't always seem to balance and reconcile or understand. But I also have seen such huge blessings come from this too. I have come to understand my reliance on my Heavenly Father so much more. I have come to rely on the power of prayer, if for no other reason, than to just feel comfort on the hard days. I have come to appreciate my spouse in a way I never would have been able to. And I have a better appreciation for health and the importance of taking care of our bodies and not taking for granted all that we can do with them. With the trials of life, there are always great blessings and great moments of realization and perspective that come as well.
Ok, on to some other thoughts.
I have been feeling extra grateful lately for my friends. I have been so blessed throughout my life, in every phase, in every place I've lived or been, to have collected a treasure chest full of amazing friends. It seems like certain people have been placed on my path at certain times that have been just what I needed. I am thankful for the phone calls, for the efforts made to get together, even though life is busy, for friends old and new. And I'm especially thankful for the friends I have that no matter where we are or how long it has been, within 2 seconds of talking to each other, it is like no time or distance has passed. I have a friend right now who literally calls me or stops by almost on a daily basis, just to see how I'm doing and how things are going. She knows I really need that right now, and she has been genuine and sincere and THERE. It seems like I have always been blessed with those kinds of friendships and I treasure them. It makes me want to be a better friend to those that I love so much and to never take for granted the blessing of friends. I believe we, as women, have the power to bless and help and nurture not just our families, but each other, and that is a gift that I have been the recipient of so many times. I am thankful for my friends!
Does anyone else have a love/hate relationship with all the social media outlets these days? I have never gotten into Facebook or Twitter. I am soooo behind there. My kids are going to think that I am incredibly ancient. In fact, I've never even created an account, I just attached my name to Chris' account a few years ago. There is nothing at all wrong with those outlets. But for me, I just can't justify the time. And I don't get anything out of the time spent. I have stuck to my blog because I have found purpose in that, in terms of having a journal for our family to refer back to. But for my own personal self, I haven't found much of a purpose for the time required to get into FB or Twitter. Again, nothing wrong with them at all, just feel like I don't have the time to spare for so many places to connect. I have felt that way about Pinterest too. I absolutely LOVE the site and have gotten so many good recipes and ideas. I was a looker long before I joined so I have been a fan for a long time. But again, I sometimes wonder if the time I spend browsing is worth it! I have thought about whether it really fosters and encourages my creativity or if it sometimes kills it. I don't necessarily love the idea of just getting on and copying other people's ideas. Who wants to just be a big copycat, ya know? I guess for me, I can balance the best of both worlds by getting inspiration on things, but then using my own creativity to make it my own. I just would hate to get to the point where I'm spending all my time looking at other people's creativity, but never spending any time exploring my own. Just some random thoughts on that.
And finally, some of my thoughts lately on life in general. I feel like every time I get the least bit comfortable, change is inevitable. I can't say I am the best with change. I'm sort of a creature of habit and get attached to things really easily, so that when it comes time for life to be turned upside down, I'm not always a willing participant. Heavenly Father must get frustrated with me sometimes because HE knows that the change will be for my good, but I fight it tooth and nail. I guess it's a lesson in faith and trust that I constantly have to learn. We are in the midst of a lot of change and chaos right now. I feel very unsettled and uncertain and those are not fun feelings to have. I am trying so hard to learn the lessons that need to be learned during this time in our lives. I have already seen incredible blessings come from the changes that I dig my heels in to resist. Thank goodness for a loving Heavenly Father, who, if we let Him, can guide and direct our lives to paths that we may not have chosen for ourselves, but that will be better for us in the long run. I'm really trying hard to have that perspective. I feel a little lost and worried and stressed at the moment, but I know that great things are coming and that it will all make sense at some point. I guess that's the way life is. We cannot control everything that comes our way, but we can try our best to exercise faith and find hope in even the unknown future that is before us. More to come on all of this when I have more figured out! It's all too confusing at the moment! But MOST importantly, the things that matter most in my life are firmly planted and unchanging -- my family, my relationship with my Heavenly Father. Those are the things that keep my feet and my heart on stable ground when everything else is seems to be spinning!
Ahhh, that feels better. What a release to let out some of those thoughts that endlessly swim around in my head!
posted by Chris Grover at 12:06 PM
6 Comments:
I love you Kar! Thank you for your example, I admire you in so many ways. Stay strong and faithful!
I don't think there is anything wrong with trying for a boy! You have 3 girls, and adore them, so another one would be no problem! you'd be ecstatic either way, so why not try for a boy and if you get a girl, GREAT!
Thanks for your blog and letting me "stock" it. I love finding out how your sweet little family is doing and I love how honest and real you are in everything you write. Even though I've never met you, I feel that you are truly an example to so many. Thank you for that.
OH, Karli! I am so sorry that things are hard right now! I truly am....I am thankful that I know you, and that we are friends, and distance or time can't change that! I would love to get together and chat, or have dinner, or go shopping again :) and buy maternity skirts (haha), or see a movie....whatever! Text or call me when thing settle down, and you feel like you can breathe again! Hugs to you and your family!
OH, Karli! I am so sorry that things are hard right now! I truly am....I am thankful that I know you, and that we are friends, and distance or time can't change that! I would love to get together and chat, or have dinner, or go shopping again :) and buy maternity skirts (haha), or see a movie....whatever! Text or call me when thing settle down, and you feel like you can breathe again! Hugs to you and your family!
The only thing I hate worse than going through trials is seeing people I care about go through them! I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel for you! It just seems long when you're traveling through it! I seriously love and admire you and I'm so grateful for your friendship! You are a beautiful lady!
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